I won’t lie, most of my life has been spent drowning in pain, either others or my own, in a few different ways. I’m not over dramatizing. I can’t remember a day in the past fifteen years that hasn’t included some thought, mention, or sensation of pain.
I know, pretty serious topic for MY blog, huh?
Anyway, some serious shit has gone down in my life, and despite my attempts to forget and forgive, not always have I been successful (in my stories I often refer to this state of being, or something similar, as ‘angst’)
I think I needed a change in my life, though it seems as though circumstance isn’t giving me a choice. Living in someone’s computer room after being abandoned by my roommates and trying to fight through the chronic pain from my back injury aggravated by sleeping on a foam mattress on a hard wood floor, it’s the circumstances that breed the emotion good stories are written from.
And yet, still, the changes keep coming (trust me, the previously mentioned was just one change lost in a million that have occurred since roughly 1996) I’ve had to quit something that did matter to me and was a part of my life for the past year and a half, but indeed, I must wonder, did it mean as much as I thought, or was it just another means of stress and pain? Particularly because even though I was doing a lot of work for it, I wasn’t so much feeling as though it was “enough” (the sensation one gets when they attempt to fit in somewhere they should have realized long ago they never would, and spent too long wondering why they never connected with anyone there) I’m not so naive as to think more than two weeks of personal and email inquiries concerning my new email not being on a webloop is a coincidence. Considering I don’t think it had been a whole day since my resignation letter that the news my position was up for grabs hit the loop (my old email still gets the occasional email from the loop. That just happened to be one). I would think making sure the vice president’s new email is on the web loop would be kind of important if her words mattered to anyone…
Sadly, I’m trying to be soft-footed, “political” concerning this topic and I find myself resenting myself for it. I’ll just say it bluntly. It hurt. I am rather glad circumstance has forced me to quit. Who knew how long I was going to let myself wonder “what I was doing wrong” and “what can I do to matter” because we all know those questions are bullshit. I didn’t do anything wrong, in fact I gave up a lot of time and energy I simply didn’t have for it, taking on projects I had to adjust parts of my life around. It’s a shame, I was looking forward to the new experience it was giving me.
Still there is a slight sense of abandonment and hurt, seemingly so easily pushed aside and forgotten. It’s not that we can’t find someone else to do the work.
Plus, I would have liked the opportunity to tell the group myself. Oh well, yet another lesson in life. Watch what you commit yourself to. It might end up slapping me in the face like most anything else I’ve committed myself to. Love, life, friendship. I have yet to find anything in any of those that doesn’t hurt. Although, I’m lucky in the aspect that concerning the first topic, it was a matter of loss and not rejection. The only person I ever met who didn’t expect anything from me, and I lost him to… circumstance.
Anyway, as much of an improvement as I’ve made in my life over the past two months, working and exercising/dancing (the only thing that controls my back pain) I still, regardless, feel stagnant in my life. I used to matter to someone.
Do I now? We’ll miss her.
I love the way you lie…
Well, this blog was quite angsty, and I think I’m going to go write, I have a scene that will fit these emotions perfectly. What is ironic, is that I have an angsty character that began losing his appeal when I had him become less angsty. Maybe he, like me, is just meant to struggle.
Listening to: Love the way you lie by Eminem Ft. Rhianna (thus the references.)
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