Living By Others’ Time

Damn, do I love to move. The work out, the exercise, the activity, the energy, the breath, the love… we could all use more of it, and I do indeed crave it.

I’ll readily admit I go a bit insane if I am unable to exercise on a regular basis, and not just because if I discontinue exercise or put it off for more than a couple of weeks my injury returns full-force and I am out-for-the-mother-effing-count again (for good), but because it just makes me feel alive. And I suspect that’s a feeling we could all use more of as well.

So I’ve been contemplating lately just why nothing seems to work out. Why everything I try fails, and why nothing I do seems good enough, for me or others.

Yeah, I haven’t gotten too far. Mostly I’ve been recovering from bronchitis and pretty much jobless due to a job that has a consistent habit of not giving me hours, and then taking them away at the last minute. I started out this schedule with fifteen hours at the end of the week. Now I’m down to six- with a different client.

I cannot keep doing this. What is going on? Honestly, is there no limit to all the shit in the world?

Evidently not.

And it’s not going to be a picnic finding a job with adequate hours (welcome to the rest of the nation, my dear) but I would like to find one that will at least offer me steady hours (and when I say “steady” I mean that said hours cannot be taken away two hours before I’m scheduled to work them just because a client canceled.)

What have I gotten myself into? I’ve been asking myself that for about 27 years now.

And I find myself contemplating going back to jobs I never should have had to begin with. Whoops, if that isn’t a downward spiral.

There’s still very good chance I will get the job offered last week if I push a little for it tomorrow. Insane restlessness, insomnia and lethargy from the steroids (for BRONCHITIS, mind you) is making it a bit difficult to kick my own ass and get myself going to make that effort to push such a distance as that; especially as I see this past year fly by like a blur and think of all the horrors that went down in the job department and know there wasn’t anything else I could have done to end up here; but… wait, I lost my train of thought.

Oh yes, getting off my lazy ass. I’m going to do so. Tomorrow (I’d do it right now since I’m all pumped up and ready to go after a full workout for once but it’s 1:00 AM so I’m afraid it’s just going to have to wait… yet another example of living by others’ time….)

I’m aware this world narrows down purely to compromise and I have done so with my availability, to the point that it’s harmed me. I promised I would make a commitment to find myself a job with hours I can safely work- though that’s seeming less likely. However, I’ll take what I can get in the efforts of compromise, as long as it’s semi-appropriate. I’m doomed to live by others’ time due simply to the fact that I keep a different schedule than most the rest of the world, and I am utterly infuriated that I am often ridiculed for it, but I try not to let it get to me, despite that someone telling me I need to get up and work in the mornings is like telling the “normal” person to get up at midnight and work through the night day in and day out.

Why, oh why do people have to be so opinionated yet be unable to fully and adequately form a cohesive thought or two and use them to formulate the ridiculously simple equation that no two people are alike, and thus coming to the conclusion that it is absolutely feeble-minded to give somebody grief for not being exactly like them?  I cannot change that of which I cannot change- and I don’t want to. And certainly not for the sake of others’ stubbornly ignorant notions.

I think, mainly, I need to get the hell back to work and out of my head, and I need to keep up my exercise routine (particularly the core work) and get myself healthy and pain-free again.

But I think I’m on the up-and-up, I can usually tell by my writing. How? Because I’m actually writing again. I wrote fifteen pages or so last night, a few more this morning, and ideas are flowing through my mind again. Usually when this happens, I know something is about to smooth itself out. Positivity, positivity, think positive.  So, whether I get this job, or its comparative inactivity will drive me bonkers or not, at least I’m writing again. That’s a positive sign.

No, indeed it does not pay the bills, feed me, shelter me, clothe me or put gas in my car, but it gives me something to do when I’m up at night (as I rightly should, being that I feel my absolute healthiest at night) still unable to sleep, and nothing but noises in the night and my own restless mind to keep me company. I need to fight off this impending slump and I’m going to do just that. Why? Because I always have.

Exercise, multi-vitamins, water, protein, hope-willing some effing sleep, a little bit of faith and… you guessed it… good old fashioned writing. That’s gonna keep this little girl moving.

And it’s gonna feel great.

Well have a good night everybody, and stay well!


P.S. WordPress, thank you for switching back to your old new post page 🙂


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