As This Goes On…

So usually when I miss a blog (Saturday) I spend awhile thinking about what I’m going to write next and when, and how spectacular it should be to “make up” for skipping a day. Well, when I say “awhile” I do mean I take a couple of hours in sporadic bursts of time sitting at a traffic light, a dull moment at work (hah), even using the loo, to think “I should write something good. Let me think. Oh great idea, please come to me! Come to me from the great idea Gods in the sky!” Of course, the bathroom ceiling rarely answers me and I’m left to try and find an alternate route of inspiration.

Today, almost every waking moment was filled with “I should write about this. I should write about that. I NEED to write about that. OMG, WHEN AM I GOING TO FIND THE RIGHT MOMENT?” The right moment, the right time- hell, any time at all. Then when I do get to my computer, I have A MILLION topics that I KNOW that I AM going to blog about… Hell, I could list them all for you right now! (Of course, I won’t. The Great Idea Gods may find offense in my blurting out all the ideas they’ve given me before I had a chance to use them. And even I know better than to anger the Great Idea Blog Gods. Blods? Glogs?  Blobs?)

And I don’t know what to do with them (The ideas, not the Blods.) I mean, I sit down with an actual moment to write and I stun myself with this horrifically wide-array of ideas that overwhelms me to the point I find myself too stricken to start tapping at my ever-so-impatient keyboard. Usually it’s the other way around- I’m stricken with NO ideas and all the time in the world to articulate them (well, not ALL the time, but you get what I mean.)

So, what to do, what to do? I don’t even know. What will bring great inspiration for my few but amazing followers? What will impress them and make them clamor out of bed straight for their computers at dawn, fight through the crowds sword and shield, hand and foot to buy time on their computers before work just to read my blog? (Ha Ha. I’m glad some of you are bored enough to read it. You are true heroes. Enough with the humility, Stacey. Move on.)

Nothing, I think. I can’t fathom what I could say that could possibly draw attention. I mean, I felt like something was missing. All these ideas and no words begin to form in my mind to articulate them. Even though they’re filled with inspiration, or emotions, or comedy, or could bring a tear to your eye… When words do not arrive in my mind to articulate them, to bring on any kind of response BUT boredom… it doesn’t happen. Something WAS missing.

As I was sitting there…nothing coming… I finally gave up and put all thought of such out of my mind of blogs and blods (should that be capitalized? Blods) and all these great ideas, which may or may not be as great as they seem in my mind but only time will tell. I was numb at this point.

And now I know what it was. It wasn’t my borderline breaking a promise that was getting to me, although the guilt was eating me away until I figured out how to solve it- only to be thwarted by technology and mechanics. I will have to come forth and fix it in the morrow, the email has been sent and it is now all about waiting. So my guilt is gone and I’m STILL wordless.

I theorize that it’s because I hadn’t written any of my ideas for my novel, or worked on my new character, I hadn’t done anything substantial today… I hadn’t finished reading the book I started reading yesterday.

Yes, yes that was it. How did I figure it out? Because now that I am finished with the very last page, these words are spewing from my mind almost faster than my hands can keep up with, and I type approximately 100 WPM.  But can it really be so simple as I could have spared myself hours of wondering and stressing out over this, if I had just picked up my book earlier in the day? Earlier, I had no interest in reading. Possibly I was too afraid to pick up my Kindle and find that it might not work again (it did, obviously) but this whole day I’ve (apparently secretly) been DYING to pick it back up, I just hadn’t known it. Apparently, enough to distract me from most anything else.

Of course, today has been an odd, and revealing day, in which I won’t go into details but some things were made devastatingly clear to me that I’d had no idea had been going on. So truthfully- THAT was my distraction. It wasn’t the book at all, it wasn’t the movie, it wasn’t the printer or those damn fliers I promised to print. It was this one long overdue conversation with someone I care about very much that came out of the blue. I’m not sure if it brought for me relief or devastation. I honestly haven’t been able to sort out the emotions yet.

But to ease my discomfort from such an emotional mix of mental chaos, I can blame it on the book. Because, in its own way, it had distracted me enough from life to help me to focus on just what the REAL distraction was, rather than distressing over my stress and wordless mental blogs all day long. The book gave me a chance to finish an unfinished story while I mulled over the new revelations, hidden in my real life’s story, that I still can’t quite compute. Or maybe I computed so well it’ll take a bit to sort it out. I don’t know. I just don’t.

But I guess until then, I put some money in my account tomorrow to order the next book in the trilogy and begin on that, while I start working on my character, working my job (last day off for six days), working on my blogs, home life, school life, family life, heartache… It’s all a cornucopia in my mind of mass-chaos and emotional distress. Mixed in is a little resentment for not having known things I should have long ago. And love, I guess.

And of course, excitement. Because even though I had a good idea how the book was going to end, it was still so much more spectacular than the movie. And the movie was spectacular. A highly rare good read.

Anyway, I’m off, because I’m tired and late-night-dinner is done cooking.

And yes, the book was The Hunger Games.

Good night all.



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2 responses to “As This Goes On…

  1. i hope you get it allllll “figgered” out.

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