How many times can I reach for the same bowl in my peripheral vision, before I remember that I emptied it more than fifteen minutes ago?
And does this make a good euphemism for my life, or is that my exhaustion creating this whimsical feeling in me?
I have two bowls surrounding me. One (the one beside me) had my dinner, which was eaten up like I haven’t eaten in days. I am slowly devouring the chocolate frosting, which is in a bowl directly in front of me, tempting me, with no immediate plans on discontinuing the methodical munching. Plus, it’s in front of me, slightly out of reach but right there in my eyesight.
Yet, I keep reaching for the empty bowl to my side. Why? My brain puts this logic to it: I keep forgetting the frosting is in front of me and think it’s in the bowl to my side.
I refuse to think, that even in my exhausted frame of mind, that I am quite that dense. I keep reaching for the bowl because I’m still hungry for something substantial, something to sustain me, not just a few bites of sustainability and then try to fill the void with globs of chocolate/sugary goodness. It doesn’t work that way. But it does, when I’m too tired to get up and get more.
Bringing me to the euphemism involving my life. I like to liken my dinner to school. Why? It’s sustainability (well, ahem, WILL be eventually). Work, is chocolate frosting. And even though I like my dinner and love chocolate frosting, and I love school and have a general fondness for work, this won’t work if I switch roles.
So, school is my empty dinner bowl. I keep wanting to fill it up. I’m still hungry for more. I could take in much more if I could fill it.
But what’s stopping me?
That bowl of chocolate frosting, i.e, work. Every time I think to get up and get more sustenance, that bowl of frosting is in my way and I decide to gobble that instead. Every time I have to study for a test, or go to bed early to be awake for a test the next day, or do anything pertaining to school- work is in the way. Yes, I love to work. I love to multitask. I love feeling useful and hard working and like I am achieving something.
Ethics class, however, taught me something useful about myself. I push myself too hard. I really do. Of course, my nieces telling me that is being a good teacher for me, too. I need to stop, breathe, and realize… I’ve been through worse times. I can survive this too. School is not proving to be as hard as I thought, and I’m up for the challenge. What I am no longer up for is being responsible for the lives of those too sick or fragile to care of themselves. I just can’t do it. I can’t even pretend. That would be… unethical. (I have a small chuckle to myself. We’ve been discussing ethical behavior since day two of class.) Also, just too dangerous.
I realize quitting one of my jobs will bring on a slight sense of “I’m not working as hard as I should be”, and not to mention cutting my income in half and other repercussions, but so long as it means I pass school and graduate… well… It’s worth it.
So, I need to put the frosting back in the fridge and get myself some kind of decent food to fill my belly. Luckily, I can sleep in (slightly) tomorrow. The second I finish eating, I’m out. I nearly fell asleep at my client’s again tonight, and the drive home was the longest damn drive I have ever taken in my entire life. If it wasn’t for the help of JT’s “Sexyback” on the radio keeping my attention (only by the extreme level of annoyance it brings me), I would have went insane. On the plus side, I’m in the euphoric phase of exhaustion somewhere between everything being soooo pretty, and I just don’t give a crap. So… bring it on, haha. I’m going to bed.
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