During a certain business course I have been required to take mandatorily for school, I have discovered some things. Actually, today has been a day for discoveries, and I will number some of them for you, before dissecting them like the dead body I keep telling my instructor to ask the school for so we could dissect it and really learn about the human body… Strangely, he believes I could handle it, despite my aversion to the chicken leg we played with (I was finally ok with it when we broke the bone and I used a piece of it to dig out the marrow. Quite interesting indeed. A part of me still cries for that chicken.)
Ok so here we go. My list of discoveries (for the week):
1. My classmate and I have the same “pee schedule”
2. The human body is the most amazing thing that could possibly have been created, and trust me, we all owe our bodies a great huge “Thank you for your hard work!!!”
3. Slight weather changes bring on major stupidity in drivers and pedestrians
4. It’s ok to cry
5. How NOT to make sloppy joe’s
6. Out of the sixmost common fears the business course outlines (Mistakes, the Unknown, Rejection, Failure, Pain and Success) my number one fear is: Success.
For everything (EVERYTHING) this business course has for lacking, that is one thing that holds true for it. Those most common fears are indeed the most common, and most debilitating. I had originally chosen “failure” as my biggest most number 1 fear- but I realized just today how untrue that is. How opposite. I’m not afraid to fail. In fact, I am quite successful at failing. I’m afraid of succeeding. Why?
Everyone in class asked “Why would somebody be afraid of success? How can that be so common?” After all, doesn’t everyone strive to succeed? Isn’t it those other FIVE (mistakes, unknown, rejection, failure and pain) the ONLY reason we don’t succeed? Because we don’t try, out of fear of these things? Well, not according to the course. According to the course, success IS a fear. I kept quite. This was a debate I did not join. Why? Deep inside I knew- or somewhat knew- the answer. There is a such thing as a fear of success, not just fears that keep you from succeeding. When I succeed at something, the first thing I want to do is BACK OUT NOW.
I think I figured it out.
Success, being truly successful at something I consider important (life and happiness) is not something that has come easy, nor something that has come hardly at all. Everything I have done for myself, in my life, has been accompanied by some kind of unpleasant experience that counteracted the happiness I THOUGHT I could gain from it. Becoming a CNA- I thought I wanted to help people, not be the only one cleaning up the next dead body because nobody else wanted to (or everyone suddenly had to go home early, ahem, ahem.) And the bulk of that career, not just struggling through the politics of the job and the barriers that kept (keep) me from truly helping these people, ended in injury and failure. Failure every day. I couldn’t help these people heal. My most current CNA position, indeed, I could help one awesome person get better (well, not get worse.) But that’s probably the only person I’ve actually helped IMPROVE, rather than SUSTAIN or DIE. I can’t think of death as a failure, particularly not in the elderly or sick, but I can think of the fact that I couldn’t protect the residents from the politics and disgruntled employees and unhappy/downright mean family members and sadistic nurses. I went as far as I could and I… failed.
Being a waitress I couldn’t do. Somehow, I found myself outside my realm of ability. Plus, the kind of harassment us servers were subjected to by management was cruel, and I had to do something about it. Quit and contact HR. Regardless of how you see it; Fail.
Dude, slicing roast beef? Really? We won’t go there.
I succeeded at being a fast food manager for awhile, and that was ruined for me by somebody else so I suppose that began my fear of success. Maybe I’m slow to recover. That was seven years ago.
I could go on, but I won’t, because I’ve had a lot of jobs and the last thing I want to do is spend my blog-time wallowing and crying. Waa.
Failure is familiar, therefore it has become my comfort zone. The fear that my book might actually sell, the fear that I might actually graduate school, the fear that I might become successful at what I do. It’s terrifying.
But my book has been selling copies, I’ve gotten all A’s except 1 B in class, and the more I get into it, the more I realize they really are prepping us for our own careers, and honestly… that’s just terrifying, the more I realize the possibilities.
What I need to do is step outside of my comfort zone and try accepting that I may be worth more than I think. See how that feels for awhile.
I hope it sticks.
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