I am having a difficult time writing, and it may not be what you expect. For once, I’ve been able to work on book 3 without a hitch all day yesterday.
I’m having a difficult time writing because there’s a dog in my lap.
Ok I’m tempted to make another photo blog but damnit, I just don’t have that kind of time. Mostly because I spent all of it reading old blogs and realizing I was a much better blog writer way-back-when than I am now. Well that may not be so, but here’s what made me come to that conclusion: I don’t blog nearly as often as I used to.
And right now, I’m kind of feeling a little shabby so I don’t have the energy to really get in there and think.
So far, since waking up too early, I’ve done only a few things. Most of which included letting my dog in and out of my room as she struggles with her indecision whether to stay or to go, and touring through old blogs of mine making additions, or just reading for fun. It began when I went looking for an old post with pictures of my dog for this blog, since I switched computers I couldn’t find these pics on them. Here’s the post I’m talking about: The Jealousy Between Small Pets and Your Keyboard.
The other one I found myself both taken with and taken aback by and had to add an addition to, was this: This Post is So Random! And Somewhat Sexy…
Ah yes, back to the present. I decided to write about change and spent the last hour reading past blogs. How ironic.
Maybe I just need the right song.
Ok, I’m going to get back on topic, because this blog is neither entertaining or fun. And if it’s not seriously, which was its original intention, I would at least like someone to finish reading it.
Something interesting has happened.
No sooner have I written a blog about being a spinster (or viewed as one) that I have a date with someone I text with every night. Uh-oh, I just gave everyone gossip. It’s ok. But I can guarantee this isn’t like my ex fuck-buddy- I mean, boyfriend?? (The question marks are there because I still to this day haven’t a clue what exactly that was, even though he still shows up at the store). Whereas I make no assumptions about whatever this new thing happens to be, I am calm, I am attentive, I am comfortable. Is it, isn’t it- it doesn’t matter. It will be what it’s meant to be, patience is a virtue best understood with… patience 🙂
Ah, so anyway…
The reason this blog is titled as it is, is because this isn’t the only change going on in my life. And part of me has been fighting it. I ignored my phone yesterday. And fucked myself over about a hundred times doing so. I forgot to make an important phone call, and missed one even more important. I haven’t even checked my messages. Is that not depraved for a woman about to begin her own business?
I keep telling myself “I’ll do it when I’m ready”. Well guess what, I’m ready. I know it doesn’t sound like it, but it’s true. I just need to continue shaking some issues off. It’s been a long few months in which a lot of beautiful things happened and a lot of awful things happened. A lot of changes happened and not all of them good, and some of them more blessed than I could ever have imagined. I have yet to really register a single one of them, so really… can anyone blame me for wanting to hide once and awhile?
I am conducting a social experiment. What does that entail? Accepting those who want to be my friend. I have been fucked over by friends in my life to extremes I don’t care to speak of, and something occurred to me just the other day. What the previous people have done in my life has NOTHING to do with the current people in my life. When one asks if I want to go shopping with her- Why say no?? ( I didn’t, I’m going some time today). But it did take three weeks for me to ask if she wanted to hang out again. I’ve said no twice to someone who wanted to hang out. I nearly canceled my date. So on and so forth. I began to realize, out of everything that’s happened: I was becoming the bad friend. The one not to rely on. The one who forgets to go online when she said she was going to be on to chat. The one who doesn’t return messages, doesn’t answer calls… I feel terrible. I’m going to change that. But its none-too-easy.
I trust those in my life now (well, most.) The thought keeps popping in my head “well I trusted the others, too” Then I need to take into consideration that my skills of being able to see people as they are and not be oblivious to what may go wrong are much more fine tuned. I can watch my back without being paranoid. I am more mature. I can trust my personal judgment better.
Still, I’m having a hard time because some of the biggest changes of my life are coming up, and I don’t want to be alone when they do, yet I’ve been alone for so long, it’s now my comfort zone.
In school our motto during the less-than-enlightening business course was “Get comfortable being uncomfortable”
Usually I’ve always abided (abode? I like abided better) by that. That’s why I make decisions in my life based on the “close your eyes and jump” theory. Had I not lived my life this way, I never would have went to school, I never would have gone to CNA training, I never would have climbed ranks in most jobs I’ve had, I never would have worked honestly toward my goals. You know, etc. I never would have gotten to the point where my life is so full of choices that I have no choice but to choose one and change and I just want to run from it all.
I just want to find a choice that’s easy. But you know what, it doesn’t work like that, and I know it. So why am I having this crisis, why am I going through this, this… thing? Whatever it is? Is this my way of slowly coming to grips with the fact that everything that’s eluded me (relationships, career paths worth the effort I put into everything,real friendship) is now facing me head on and I wasn’t expecting it, even though I’ve not only been wanting it, but asking for it?
Nobody deals well with change. Particularly me and I am somewhat known for that. I threw a fit when my seat in school was changed. Yes, a fit. For about a week straight and occassionally for the next month did I mention it.
This is a hell of a lot of change for one person to handle alone. Possibly the reason so many opportunities to get close to other people are opening up to me. I cannot, I repeat, cannot ignore them. Without being daft and a generally bad person, anyway.
Don’t get me wrong. Out of everyone I know, I’m probably one of the most firm believers in the human condition (that we’re not meant to be alone) than a lot.
As I said, I am so used to being alone and knowing people in my past that it was PREFERABLE to be alone, that I no longer know what it’s like to trust. And I am terrified of letting that get in the way of friendships and relationships.
I realize this blog has turned into a therapy session/diary entry, but it’s needed. For me, and maybe for someone out there who can relate.
Just because change is scary doesn’t mean you need to run from it.
Accept that lunch invitation. Go on that date. Don’t run from a miserable job without understanding why you want to run, and THEN make your decision. I discovered that my problems with my job were improved once I got the guts to have a personal face-to-face discussion with my boss. The issues were not entirely fixed, but a compromise was struck and it’ll do me until I get my license (paperwork went out two days ago, yay!)
Just repeat after me:
I am strong enough to face the challenges in my life, to accept these changes without fear, and become the person I want to be. Become the person I already AM. Strong. Courageous. Caring. Loving. Healthy, Brave. I open my arms to change, I open my heart to those around me, I open my mind to the opportunities that will arise for me once I realize the pure solid truth: I am me, and there is no better person for me to be.
So when change comes calling: Pick it up, it may just be that opportunity you’re looking for. Don’t give that up for anything. Misery and loneliness, no matter how comfortable, are not the best way to live.