Love and Other Crazy Stuff

“Open up your mind and see like me, open up your plans and damn you’re free, look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love. Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing, we’re just one big family, and it’s our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved, loved. -Jason Mraz ‘I’m Yours’ “

Today I made a playlist of songs that make me smile. I couldn’t really say why, except I smiled once today and I wanted to try it again. So I made a list of songs to smile to, and found myself singing them all. I’m having difficulties continuing because my topic today is a tricky one. Love.

“I’m on the edge of glory, and I’m hanging on a moment of truth. I’m on the edge of glory, and I’m hanging on a moment with you. I’m on the edge with you. – Lady Gaga ‘Edge of Glory’ “

I wish love was as easy as it is in stories. Even stories I write. Usually my characters are in some kind of bitter sweet relationship, but once in awhile soulmates come together. Sometimes love is lost. Sometimes love is gained. Sometimes love is unexpected. It’s so much easier to read about or write about than it is to live it.

“So I sneak out to the garden to see you, we keep quiet ’cause we’re dead if he knew, so close your eyes, escape this town for a little while. Cause you were Romeo I was a scarlet letter and my daddy said stay away from Juliet, but you were everything to me I was begging you please don’t go- Taylor Swift ‘Love Story’ “

We all know love songs are (usually) bred from experience, bred from passion, bred from pain and loss and triumph and the hardships that are relationships and the lessons we learn from them. But even they make it seem easy. Four minutes of ‘Love Story’ singing at the top of my lungs makes me feel like a princess but when the song is over, I’m confused again.

“I can’t find, oh the right romantic line. See me once, and see the way I feel. Don’t discard me just because you think I mean you harm. But these cuts I have, they need love to help them heal.- Elton John ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’ “

It’s probably obvious to some that I am better with sex than I am that ridiculous ‘L’ word. And oh, I can’t blame past relationships, I can’t blame what I’ve been through before, because if I learned my lessons from those than I wouldn’t be continuously confused with every relationship I enter. I could blame that everybody tells me something different about relationships and gives me different advice, and many people want me to be in a relationship so badly they assume I am in a relationship with every person I meet. But that’s allowing others in my head where only I should be.

“Take me now, baby here as I am. Hold me close, try and understand. Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe. Love is a banquet from which we feed. Come on now try and understand. The way I feel when I’m in your hand. Take my hand come under cover, they can’t hurt you now, can’t hurt you now, can’t hurt you now. -Patti Smith ‘Because The Night’ “

And oh, I’ve had those relationships (haven’t we all?) The kind where you step back, a little more mature, a little wiser, a little worse-for-wear and ponder, “What the hell was I thinking??”

“I want your drama, the touch of your hand, I want your leather studded kiss in the sand. I want your love. Love love love I want your love. You know that I want you. You know that I need you. I want your bad romance. I want your lovin and I want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance-Lady Gaga ‘Bad Romance’ “

Because I’m a free bitch, baby.

But the continuance of these situations have me wondering… Is it circumstance, or is it me? I’m not great with affection at the best of times, but I’m working on it. I like to think I make it fairly clear when I really like somebody, or really love somebody, I make sure the people in my life know I care for them the best I can. But when it comes to relationships…

“They call me cowboy, I’m the singer in black, throw your middle finger in the air let me see where you’re-“

Oops, I forgot I’m playing love songs to write this blog. Not Kid Rock. Funny. Last year I rented a car, drove five hours (ok so I took the long route) to another city in another state, stayed the night at a very expensive cheap hotel, got lost the next morning looking for the testing center to take my NCBTMB for Massage Therapy Licensing (which was across the street from my hotel as it turns out) passed the fucking thing, then got in my car and drove home. Five hours of feeling so good I listened to “American Bad Ass” the entire time, and not just to stay awake. (Leave at 8am, errands until 11am [last minute shit I forgot to do beforehand], get to your destination at 4pm, find hotel and settle in by 6pm, drive around looking for testing center to no avail until 8pm, keyed up stay awake until 5am, get to testing center by 8am, start drive home by 10am, NOT SMART. I took a nap at a gas station LOL.)

“Just tell me how I got this far. Just tell my why you’re here and who you are. Cause every time I look you’re never there. And every time I sleep you’re always there. Cause you’re everywhere to me, when I close my eyes it’s you I see. And everything I know that makes me believe, I’m not alone. I’m not alone. – Michelle Branch ‘Everywhere’ “

It’s not that I’m not a passionate person. Indeed, the exact opposite. I feel passion for so many things it’s hard to express, and it’s even harder to express to another person. I’m also big on the something-looks-one-way-but-is-actually-another. In case you haven’t realized, these songs aren’t entirely about love. I don’t believe in the kind of love you find in fairy tales. I believe in the kind of love a person feels for another, the kind of love a person should feel for themselves- gratitude, thankful to be alive, passion and pure positivity, the willingness to forgive and live with one another’s flaws. Everything and everyone is flawed in their own beautiful ways because we’re all different. Love isn’t thinking you found the perfect person (and if you think that, fuck them [literally], you’ll find otherwise because that’s when shit gets real.) Love is accepting people AS THEY ARE.

Love is not pressure. Love is not negativity. Love is not trying to change each other. Love is not for pretends. Love is not settling or submitting or putting on your mask. I meet too many people who want me to wear a mask, because they can’t handle seeing in me what they don’t want to see in themselves.

Flaws.

I don’t fall for masks. I try my damndest not to pretend. I’m honest. Some people hate that (some people don’t.) Ok.

Don’t try to change me.

Don’t try to change my mind.

Love isn’t about being the one perfect person to whom your mate melts for and loses all boundaries and drops all borders and climbs all bounds and suddenly their walls crumble and they spill all their secrets then you get married and have tons of babies.

Not my kind of love. And don’t expect that of me.

“Mile upon mile got no direction, we’re all playing the same game. We’re all looking for redemption, just afraid to say the name. So caught up now in pretending, what we’re seeking is the truth. I’m just looking for a happy ending. All I’m looking for is you. -Pat Green ‘Wave On Wave’ “

Love is equality. Love is faith. Love is hope. Love is freedom to express yourself (or not) as desired. Love is beauty in its richest form. Love is respect. Don’t get me wrong, you can create a sacred bond with somebody, and love somebody, but I’m beginning to think ‘Love’ has nothing to do with ‘Relationships’.

“I’m sinking slowly, so hurry hold me, your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on. Please can you tell me, so I can finally see, where you go when you’re gone. If you want to, I can save you, I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares.- Michelle Branch ‘All You Wanted’ “

I’m not bad with love. I’m bad with relationships (history may suggest.) Or maybe I am just not attracting the kind of people who want relationships. Or maybe I’m attracting the type just like me, who don’t know how to be in a relationship. Maybe I’m attracting those still stinging from previous wounds, as I am. Battle weary and lonely.

And I know I am approaching this all wrong.

A lesson I have not yet learned.

What I have learned is that trying to take Love and build a relationship from it doesn’t always work the way you planned. And that makes me wary. I can build friendships, connections with people, I can and do adore people and feel emotion for them and bonds so strong I think we must have known one another up in the cosmos before coming to Earth.

Or maybe I just go from ‘Hey, want to get some coffee sometime?’ to ‘Oh baby that was great’ too quickly.

Maybe the trick is to find somebody you like and build a relationship that will some day turn into love.

Or maybe it’s true. I’m still hurting too much.

And I can’t expect others to understand. This is my burden. I must handle it my own way. My mistake is expecting others to help. This is my path to take, my lesson to learn, and I plan to do so.

“Have I doubt, when I’m alone? Love is a ring, the telephone. Love is an angel disguised as ‘lust’. Here in our bed until the morning comes. Come on now try and understand, the way I feel under your command.  Take my hand as the sun descends. They can’t touch you now, can’t touch you now, can’t touch you now.- Patti Smith ‘Because The Night’ “

Now, back to the songs that make me smile.

“I been spendin’ way too long checking my tongue in the mirror, and bending over backwards just to try and see it clearer, but my breath fogged up the glass, so I drew a new face and I laughed. I guess what I be singing is there ain’t no better reason, to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons, it’s what we aim to do, our name is our virtue. -Jason Mraz ‘I’m Yours’ “

Stacey Katheryn

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“To survive, you must tell stories.”

-Umberto Eco

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