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Close your eyes and make a wish

I don’t know why I titled my post this way.

Mostly because I was too busy trying to dictate “hm what should I write, what would look best to any agents that may peruse my blog in order to determine my worthiness”

Eh, how about honesty.

So I said to myself “just close your eyes and… make a wish!” I meant to say “write” but oh well.

Ok, I’ll do that. No I won’t. I’m done wishing. I’m here to DO, now, and what I do is write, and massage, and live, and try to love others the best I can, and I act, and I do improvisational comedy, and what is one of the number one rules of improv?

Just jump out there and fucking do it. Just fucking SAY it. What are you doing? Fucking SAY it! Tell the audience where you are, what you’re doing, who you and your partner are to each other. Don’t leave us guessing, don’t make us wonder. Just fucking SAY IT. (In the words of our artistic director).

That’s a wonderful approach to life itself, and all the relationship paradigms within our realities. Just fucking say it. I took that approach recently with someone I am very close with and felt myself losing them. Time will tell. But it feels good to just fucking SAY IT.

We’ve been ruined by sitcom-culture. Short attention spans, unwitty humor, only follow small plot lines, won’t get to the point, pussyfoot around the tough parts, always expect a pleasant outcome but never make the effort to get there, and if it lasts more than 22 minutes we’re done with it.

It ruins relationships, because it gives us unrealistic expectations. Boy always gets the girl, siblings always fight, best friends always stay best friends (unless the plot makes them better enemies), parents always argue, lovers never argue or always get over their argument quickly (within 22 minutes, in fact).

It gives people unrealistic expectations of their fellow humans here on earth. It makes people lump together “good advice” as to how things “Are” or “should be” and pass it around social media like a fucking virus. None more so than in the relationship category.

“If things are meant to be, they’ll find a way”

“If someone really wants to spend time with you, they’ll make time, no matter how busy they are”

“A real man/woman will never break your heart”

There are so many more, but the fact is, all this good-intentioned “advice” is PURELY EGOTISTICAL.

It is the advice of one person who lost out on what they thought something SHOULD BE, and decided to tell others that if theirs WASN’T what it SHOULD BE, it wasn’t meant to be at all.

So if he doesn’t spend a lot of time with me and he’s very busy and his awkward self sometimes says things he doesn’t realize hurts my feelings and rarely texts back means, according to typical relationship advice (that I avoid at all costs) that he doesn’t love me, doesn’t care about me, nothing is real, it won’t grow, it’s not meant to be. Because if it was, he wouldn’t say hurtful things, he wouldn’t work, he’d spend all his time and money on me, and it’ll happen magically with little to no effort on anyone’s parts.

Get out of that fantasy.

Real relationships of ANY paradigm take some work. Mostly they take honesty and compromise, that I’ve noticed. Be honest with how you feel. You may think “he doesn’t spend enough time with me, he must not like me” but have you actually SAID IT? “I don’t feel like we spend enough time together, it makes me insecure about how you feel about me.” Guess what is possible, even though we rarely see it anywhere BUT a sitcom (which doesn’t do the talking for us, you know.) IT’S POSSIBLE TO TALK THINGS OUT. And even come to an even more satisfying conclusion than if the conclusion you were looking for was storybook perfection. Because the downfalls in all relationships always build depth, so that the good sides can have much more meaning than if the bad had never happened.

And sometimes there are deeper issues causing problems that typical relationship advice does not take into consideration (because relationships can never be uncomfortable, and deeper issues are uncomfortable).

All anyone WANTS to hear is, “if it doesn’t feel perfect, it’s not meant to be”

So we search all our lives looking for the one that makes us feel “perfect”, and since there IS NO SUCH THING in the reality of our human egos, to feel “perfection” it gives us the perfect excuse to avoid working out actual problems.

And when we do find what we perceive to be “perfection” quickly falls apart when our idealizations of one another give way to imperfection and we can’t handle it.

You know what a real relationship is?

Two entirely flawed people making it work.

You put in the effort you wish to receive from the relationship, and you make it work. Sometimes, especially in the beginning or the beginning of a necessary change, this effort is one-sided. If it’s meant to be… You’ll keep on trying.

Fate or destiny or whatever, may be what gives us the opportunity. But we need to take that opportunity and utilize it, fate won’t do the hard work for us. This isn’t sitcom, this isn’t movies. Things CAN “just happen” but then it’s up to you to keep it going, determine whether it is good for you, whether you are ready to put in that work or the time isn’t right, just keep on moving, or go for it. Relationships don’t come with instructions. The simple thing to remember is, all you can do is what’s best for you. And sometimes what’s best, is putting forth the work in order not to lose the best thing that ever happened to you. Because even though every moment may not be perfect, and in fact, as of late, most moments have been worse than the last, you still recognize its purpose in your life. It just opens another opportunity in healing.

If it feels entirely wrong, then walk away.

The fact that neither has, to me, says something big.

The bigger truth is, sometimes it just takes faith. Effort and faith. I like that. Then you’ll find things starting to get easier and flow more smoothly.

Don’t be afraid to look or sound like an idiot and just fucking say what you mean.

Nobody’s perfect. I sound like an idiot all the time.

Now I do it with complete honesty.


There, I’ve had my say.

Even I didn’t know this was so bottled up inside of me until I started writing this post. Dude.


Have a beautiful day,



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Back in Action

What can I say, except, I’m back!

Yes, yes, it’s true. The rumors were right for once. The star of the show has returned. The red carpet’s been rolled out, the paparazzi have popped up, the news columns in all the newspapers are printing stories about…. Well, ebola and election time, mainly.

But here, in my world, my pretend newspapers are talking about my return!

My return to what, you ask?




Et cetra? Is there a such thing so generic it can only be coined in etc? Yes, there is. The discombobulated euphoria I currently feel is well wrapped up in egotism and mundane examples of “what I’m back to” are boring it. My ego wants more. Attention? No, really not.



It’s been too long, my friends. The written word was a dear friend and I tossed it out the window like yesterday’s rubbish.

Well, not anymore.

I’m pulling it up and dusting it off and giving it a whirl. I missed you, my friend.

I realized I can be involved 100% in one of the most healing industries available, and still meet with extreme lack of empathy and compassion.

So the side of me that’s been whispering deep into my conscious ego’s ear that says “massage therapy is more fruitful, fulfilling, healing, serviceable, compassionate, loving, providing, fiscally appropriate thing you can do with you life” has finally been called out for its lies. Some of its other popular lies have been “writing will never help others in the way massage will, you lack soul if you choose to write over massage” blah.

What’s it take for me to finally realize the truth, and admit it to myself? Something drastic! A car wreck drastic enough? Sure! And it was.

WTF am I doing with myself?

I am sure wanting a lot. Wanting things to get better. I’m sure knowing a lot. Knowing that EVENTUALLY they will. I am sure procrastinating a lot. What?? I’m procrastinating? But working every moment I’m not working and then some doesn’t seem so procrastinating to me.

I’m procrastinating.

When you grow up thinking that misery is called “happiness” and putting forth over 100% of yourself into a cause you hate is being the worthy person…. I owe myself an apology, I really do.

Napoleon Hill theorized that much of who we think we are is actually conditioning we’ve received without knowing it prior to the age of fifteen. He discovered this after doing years of self work and priding himself in being a compassionate, tolerant man, and finding himself rudely dismissing a person he didn’t know simply because they wore a different religious pin than he did. He was appalled at his own behavior and spent years analyzing it, leading him to researching the nature of “nurture” and its effects on the character of men (and women). And how it’s hardly our fault to pull in negative or wrongful outlooks as kids, but it’s our responsibility as adults to let it go.

I don’t hate massage therapy. I love it. I went to school, into a nice lump of debt, built a business from the ground up, helped over 200 people, overhauled the business, turned it into a fruitful endeavor… You don’t do that with things you hate, no matter your fuel.

My favorite part is when somebody smiles after continual massage treatment, says, I didn’t think I’d know what it was like to no longer feel pain.

To be able to walk this good again.

To be able to breathe this well again.

I can hug my wife again without being in excruciating pain.

I don’t have to tell my grandchildren “grandpa’s too sick” anymore

These words, from a recently passed-away regular client of mine, spoken to me a month before his death and at his last appointment with me, will always sit with me, in my heart. “I don’t think I could have made it these past few months without you.”

So you see, I did fall in love with massage therapy. I believe in it. it’s the primary form of healthcare I use for myself and always will be.

I fell in love with helping people.

But there are so, so many ways to help people. The written word, being primary among them. I can do this.

I’m back.

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Love as Sex


I’m writing this with inspiration from a comment made to me awhile ago that tore me to pieces, I’m bandaging up with a little blogging. As much as it hurt, it did spawn some wonderful thought processes that I’m sure I’ll see as lessons and blessings in disguise. And ironically, Love Languages have been coming up in almost every conversation I’ve had with anybody since. This post is about love. And sex.


I’m not ashamed to blatantly admit I’ve made mistakes in my life, why? Because I’m blatantly human. And blatant humans (you know, everyone) all have a need to be… loved. It’s that simple. Why do we ever do anything that we ever do? To feel loved. Why do we say loving things? To hear loving things. Why do we say awful things? To feel better about ourselves, to feel worthy, to feel loved. Why do we do loving things? To make the other person feel loved, therefore, making us feel loved. We’re made of it, we’re constantly feeding it and receiving it whether we know it or not. There is something in each word, in each action, that is a cry for love.


But people feel love in a manner of different ways. They receive it in a manner of different ways. They express it differently sometimes. It can get misunderstood, confused, not received, unheard, unspoken, or just… misunderstood.

My number one communication of love, that’s been hardwired into me since birth, is physical touch.


A hug will speak more clearly of love than a million words. A back rub will melt my heart. Holding my hand will erase any and all feelings of sadness. Being touched cleanses my soul and refills me with love. I know someone cares when they hug me, hold me, touch me. I crave it when I’m sad, I crave it when I’m happy, I crave it when I’m in need of comfort, I crave it when I know someone else is upset, because I show my love through touch.

I take touch, in all its various forms, very seriously.


In the past I’ve made mistakes in trying to find love through touch, from all the wrong people. It was a tough lesson to learn to realize not all people who touch you lovingly mean it. I’ve gone to bed with those who had no intention of loving me, in order just to feel that temporary sensation of love, only to highly regret it later. Let me tell you a secret, sex, to me, is love.

How anyone can use it for any other manner but to express their love is far beyond me. Yet, in searching for love through sex, I was partaking in the act without love. Without feelings. I was lying to myself. And I got hurt for it. I learned just how badly and quickly emotions can be hurt in such a thing. But I once went an entire year without a single human touch. It was torture. So I turned around, and went entirely in the wrong direction.


But the love language of physical touch and sex are so very highly misunderstood. So let me tell you with… sensation.

When somebody takes me in their arms I feel their soul, and I feel mine. The warmth of their skin warming mine, filling me with comfort as I feel and listen to the beating of their heart, each touch just a little whisper of emotion from their heart to mine, the truth told without words, subtle vibrations that cannot lie. The hardness of their body and the softness of their skin, their breath like a breeze to cool the heat and their pumping blood to warm every bit of my inner self. I feel their body with mine. There is something very divine about the human body most nobody understands, and that is what I feel. The power of their hand on my body, the trust I give to allow it, the protection of being in the arms of somebody whose intent will never be to harm. The intent as pure as love, pleasure, happiness. The perfect give and take. Gentle sensations and tactile acts with closed eyes, soaking in everything that is heart and soul. Refilling your inside spaces with love, so deep you never knew you even went so deep in the heart, in the soul. Awakening passions and desires and discovering ways to love that you just can’t feel otherwise. Sharing breath, sharing heat, sharing sweat, sharing everything. Sex isn’t something you do with just your body, it’s something you do with your heart and soul, too.


I’ve made mistakes in thinking everyone thinks of sex this way. I no longer make that mistake.

Because how it can be a game, how it can be just something to do, how it can be anything but love… That is a question that I cannot answer. I tried and failed miserably. I grew the fuck up and realized my truth.

To accept an offer, or to give an offer of sex, is a sign of ultimate trust to me. I’ve peeled my heart raw, tore out my soul and handed them to you, trusting you in their safekeeping.


Sex can never be anything but love to me. And I’m done trying to prove otherwise.

I’m ashamed to admit my past mistakes, because, quite blatantly, I feel like a whore. I’ve had very very few partners, especially in comparison to most I’ve spoken to. But I feel like I’ve whored myself out entirely. That’s not a feeling I’m eager to repeat. Ever. So I won’t.

But juggling the emotional aspect behind sex, the way it’s meant to be, is a whole different thing.

It’s not complex. It’s simple. It’s love.

Society, perception, misunderstanding, bad experiences, makes it anything but simple.

I’m just so very tired of the complication.

It must be real.

Because I’m real.


Thank you everyone, and have a wonderful night.

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Been awhile, hasn’t it?

Hello friends!

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I wanted to give a quick word for my new facebook project Romance Eternal, a page dedicated to lovers of romance and eternal love. It’s Love Language week!

Hope everyone is having a beautiful day!



“To survive, you must tell stories.”

-Umberto Eco



cover    For more information on my published novels, click here!


thevillagepoetpress  Visit The Village Poet Press


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Betrayal Of Weakness: Book Five of The Legends of Sangue Available Now!!

Betrayal Of Weakness: Book Five of The Legends of Sangue is now available for purchase here on! Hooray! Thank you, friends and fans!


Stacey Katheryn



“To survive, you must tell stories.”

-Umberto Eco


cover    For more information on my published novels, click here!

thevillagepoetpress  Visit The Village Poet Press



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Book Five Publication Date: 3/3/14!

Seeing how life has kept me pretty busy lately, I apologize for the lateness of the publication for the book due out in January! I had some extra editing to do on it, it is substantially bigger than the other books, so it took longer to finish. Anyhow, I know you will all really love it! It is one of my favorites so far!  Thank you friends and fans! I’ll post links once it’s up on Amazon, on 3/3/14!

Stacey Katheryn



“To survive, you must tell stories.”

-Umberto Eco


cover    For more information on my published novels, click here!

thevillagepoetpress  Visit The Village Poet Press

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Oh me, oh my- My year in pictures.

















“To survive, you must tell stories.”

-Umberto Eco


cover    For more information on my published novels, click here!

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Betrayal of Weakness, Book Five of The Legends of Sangue coming soon!

Betrayal of Weakness, Book Five of The Legends of Sangue coming soon!


Almost thirty-six years after the tragedy of Queen Tancia Catallino’s brutal murder leaves the royal line and rural community of Sangue, Montana lost and hopeless. The Elemental Circle missing a sorceress on the brink of destruction, impending disaster and mass death, the only person prophesized to find her has gone missing. The tiny town of the underworld suddenly comes to light in the normal mortal world and everything begins to fall apart, with no closure to the cherished Queen’s death and the royal line of Sangue open to enemy attack, all sorceric protection failing with the impending Elemental Circle’s demise, nobody knows what to do.

 A surprise visit from the past brings precious new, fragile hope to Sangue, just as the town is attacked and the destruction of the world is all but imminent. It’s anyone’s game, a dangerous game that must be played with utmost caution. Rules have to be broken in the worst ways and old grievances aired, enemies reunited as allies with Sangue and the impossible accomplished before a single chance of survival can be obtained. But can everyone work together peacefully in time to keep tragedy from repeating itself?

Better yet, will the ancient prophecies of Sangue’s survival be fulfilled, the true leader found before all is destroyed and the harrowing sacrifices of the past mean nothing?

Can Sangue’s path to peace finally be restored?

The answer lies within the most shocking of discoveries. And somebody knew the answer all along.

They just haven’t realized it yet.


“To survive, you must tell stories.”

-Umberto Eco


cover    For more information on my published novels, click here!

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Love and Other Crazy Stuff

“Open up your mind and see like me, open up your plans and damn you’re free, look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love. Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing, we’re just one big family, and it’s our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved, loved. -Jason Mraz ‘I’m Yours’ “

Today I made a playlist of songs that make me smile. I couldn’t really say why, except I smiled once today and I wanted to try it again. So I made a list of songs to smile to, and found myself singing them all. I’m having difficulties continuing because my topic today is a tricky one. Love.

“I’m on the edge of glory, and I’m hanging on a moment of truth. I’m on the edge of glory, and I’m hanging on a moment with you. I’m on the edge with you. – Lady Gaga ‘Edge of Glory’ “

I wish love was as easy as it is in stories. Even stories I write. Usually my characters are in some kind of bitter sweet relationship, but once in awhile soulmates come together. Sometimes love is lost. Sometimes love is gained. Sometimes love is unexpected. It’s so much easier to read about or write about than it is to live it.

“So I sneak out to the garden to see you, we keep quiet ’cause we’re dead if he knew, so close your eyes, escape this town for a little while. Cause you were Romeo I was a scarlet letter and my daddy said stay away from Juliet, but you were everything to me I was begging you please don’t go- Taylor Swift ‘Love Story’ “

We all know love songs are (usually) bred from experience, bred from passion, bred from pain and loss and triumph and the hardships that are relationships and the lessons we learn from them. But even they make it seem easy. Four minutes of ‘Love Story’ singing at the top of my lungs makes me feel like a princess but when the song is over, I’m confused again.

“I can’t find, oh the right romantic line. See me once, and see the way I feel. Don’t discard me just because you think I mean you harm. But these cuts I have, they need love to help them heal.- Elton John ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’ “

It’s probably obvious to some that I am better with sex than I am that ridiculous ‘L’ word. And oh, I can’t blame past relationships, I can’t blame what I’ve been through before, because if I learned my lessons from those than I wouldn’t be continuously confused with every relationship I enter. I could blame that everybody tells me something different about relationships and gives me different advice, and many people want me to be in a relationship so badly they assume I am in a relationship with every person I meet. But that’s allowing others in my head where only I should be.

“Take me now, baby here as I am. Hold me close, try and understand. Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe. Love is a banquet from which we feed. Come on now try and understand. The way I feel when I’m in your hand. Take my hand come under cover, they can’t hurt you now, can’t hurt you now, can’t hurt you now. -Patti Smith ‘Because The Night’ “

And oh, I’ve had those relationships (haven’t we all?) The kind where you step back, a little more mature, a little wiser, a little worse-for-wear and ponder, “What the hell was I thinking??”

“I want your drama, the touch of your hand, I want your leather studded kiss in the sand. I want your love. Love love love I want your love. You know that I want you. You know that I need you. I want your bad romance. I want your lovin and I want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance-Lady Gaga ‘Bad Romance’ “

Because I’m a free bitch, baby.

But the continuance of these situations have me wondering… Is it circumstance, or is it me? I’m not great with affection at the best of times, but I’m working on it. I like to think I make it fairly clear when I really like somebody, or really love somebody, I make sure the people in my life know I care for them the best I can. But when it comes to relationships…

“They call me cowboy, I’m the singer in black, throw your middle finger in the air let me see where you’re-“

Oops, I forgot I’m playing love songs to write this blog. Not Kid Rock. Funny. Last year I rented a car, drove five hours (ok so I took the long route) to another city in another state, stayed the night at a very expensive cheap hotel, got lost the next morning looking for the testing center to take my NCBTMB for Massage Therapy Licensing (which was across the street from my hotel as it turns out) passed the fucking thing, then got in my car and drove home. Five hours of feeling so good I listened to “American Bad Ass” the entire time, and not just to stay awake. (Leave at 8am, errands until 11am [last minute shit I forgot to do beforehand], get to your destination at 4pm, find hotel and settle in by 6pm, drive around looking for testing center to no avail until 8pm, keyed up stay awake until 5am, get to testing center by 8am, start drive home by 10am, NOT SMART. I took a nap at a gas station LOL.)

“Just tell me how I got this far. Just tell my why you’re here and who you are. Cause every time I look you’re never there. And every time I sleep you’re always there. Cause you’re everywhere to me, when I close my eyes it’s you I see. And everything I know that makes me believe, I’m not alone. I’m not alone. – Michelle Branch ‘Everywhere’ “

It’s not that I’m not a passionate person. Indeed, the exact opposite. I feel passion for so many things it’s hard to express, and it’s even harder to express to another person. I’m also big on the something-looks-one-way-but-is-actually-another. In case you haven’t realized, these songs aren’t entirely about love. I don’t believe in the kind of love you find in fairy tales. I believe in the kind of love a person feels for another, the kind of love a person should feel for themselves- gratitude, thankful to be alive, passion and pure positivity, the willingness to forgive and live with one another’s flaws. Everything and everyone is flawed in their own beautiful ways because we’re all different. Love isn’t thinking you found the perfect person (and if you think that, fuck them [literally], you’ll find otherwise because that’s when shit gets real.) Love is accepting people AS THEY ARE.

Love is not pressure. Love is not negativity. Love is not trying to change each other. Love is not for pretends. Love is not settling or submitting or putting on your mask. I meet too many people who want me to wear a mask, because they can’t handle seeing in me what they don’t want to see in themselves.


I don’t fall for masks. I try my damndest not to pretend. I’m honest. Some people hate that (some people don’t.) Ok.

Don’t try to change me.

Don’t try to change my mind.

Love isn’t about being the one perfect person to whom your mate melts for and loses all boundaries and drops all borders and climbs all bounds and suddenly their walls crumble and they spill all their secrets then you get married and have tons of babies.

Not my kind of love. And don’t expect that of me.

“Mile upon mile got no direction, we’re all playing the same game. We’re all looking for redemption, just afraid to say the name. So caught up now in pretending, what we’re seeking is the truth. I’m just looking for a happy ending. All I’m looking for is you. -Pat Green ‘Wave On Wave’ “

Love is equality. Love is faith. Love is hope. Love is freedom to express yourself (or not) as desired. Love is beauty in its richest form. Love is respect. Don’t get me wrong, you can create a sacred bond with somebody, and love somebody, but I’m beginning to think ‘Love’ has nothing to do with ‘Relationships’.

“I’m sinking slowly, so hurry hold me, your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on. Please can you tell me, so I can finally see, where you go when you’re gone. If you want to, I can save you, I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares.- Michelle Branch ‘All You Wanted’ “

I’m not bad with love. I’m bad with relationships (history may suggest.) Or maybe I am just not attracting the kind of people who want relationships. Or maybe I’m attracting the type just like me, who don’t know how to be in a relationship. Maybe I’m attracting those still stinging from previous wounds, as I am. Battle weary and lonely.

And I know I am approaching this all wrong.

A lesson I have not yet learned.

What I have learned is that trying to take Love and build a relationship from it doesn’t always work the way you planned. And that makes me wary. I can build friendships, connections with people, I can and do adore people and feel emotion for them and bonds so strong I think we must have known one another up in the cosmos before coming to Earth.

Or maybe I just go from ‘Hey, want to get some coffee sometime?’ to ‘Oh baby that was great’ too quickly.

Maybe the trick is to find somebody you like and build a relationship that will some day turn into love.

Or maybe it’s true. I’m still hurting too much.

And I can’t expect others to understand. This is my burden. I must handle it my own way. My mistake is expecting others to help. This is my path to take, my lesson to learn, and I plan to do so.

“Have I doubt, when I’m alone? Love is a ring, the telephone. Love is an angel disguised as ‘lust’. Here in our bed until the morning comes. Come on now try and understand, the way I feel under your command.  Take my hand as the sun descends. They can’t touch you now, can’t touch you now, can’t touch you now.- Patti Smith ‘Because The Night’ “

Now, back to the songs that make me smile.

“I been spendin’ way too long checking my tongue in the mirror, and bending over backwards just to try and see it clearer, but my breath fogged up the glass, so I drew a new face and I laughed. I guess what I be singing is there ain’t no better reason, to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons, it’s what we aim to do, our name is our virtue. -Jason Mraz ‘I’m Yours’ “

Stacey Katheryn


“To survive, you must tell stories.”

-Umberto Eco


cover    For more information on my published novels, click here!

thevillagepoetpress  Visit The Village Poet Press (My publishing company)

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Scared shitless

Because I am nothing but honest with my readers/fans, I would like to share a little story. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared shitless in my entire life. Why?

Well, it’s a long story and I’ll get to that. I was one of those children whose WORST fears when it came to anything social was being in a crowd and not knowing what to do. The feeling that everyone knew what to do but me. Especially if I was being watched or anything was expected of me. There are certain things I have trouble memorizing (sequence, for starters.) The reason I write out-of-sequence, before putting pieces together.

When it comes to acting plays you can see where this may become a problem. As a child I opted out of anything that I’d have to learn rules/sequence (except dance, but even then I ended up joining a troupe of mostly improv moves, subtle visual cues and just learning to trust my fellow troupe dancers and myself)

I always thought if I got into acting, I would suck at improvisation and was always terrified to try. But it’s the monologues I’m having trouble with.

Tonight we had our first “stumble through” of our upcoming play. Not only did I get the impression everyone knew more than I did- They did. They all knew their lines either in part or whole. Yes, as a mystery dinner theatre it’s partial improv with some monologue that we’re allowed to play a bit with. Ok. BUT… I’m a busy woman (no excuse). Let’s try again. I’m riddled with fear (nope, that’s not right either) I rewrote my monologues last night (that’s the truth) and failed to memorize them on time, then panicked and forgot everything I did have memorized (all my other lines, when to come in, last lines of others’ monologues so I knew when to come in- my guiding star. Etc.)

I’ve discovered a lot about myself in this endeavor. 1. I’m learning all about ME. 2. As long as I know WHEN I come in, I can memorize anything I damn want. I always knew that where my efforts of sequence are AWFUL, my skills of memorization are precise, quick, photographic. As long as I know what line to listen for an actor to say, I know exactly where to come in and how. So put the new monologue aside, realizing that’s a non-worry and it’ll be completely memorized by tomorrow. It’s when actors change their lines on stage that confuses me, then leaves me with that “everyone knows what’s happening but me” sensation.

See, tonight I tried to go “au-natural” my term for NO SCRIPT (except my new monologues, one nearby to glance at briefly, the other longer one on a piece of paper to glance at in my hand.) The rest I went over enough to remember where I came in, since my miscellaneous lines are brief and mainly improvised when I speak them. I have nothing against my fellow actors improvising, when done at me I can usually respond pretty quickly. But when they add, forget or change that last line of theirs I had memorized to know where I follow, all is lost, and I’m like… Duuurrr….

Anyway, I am learning to overcome that, along with my childhood fear. I learned: Even if that is the case, nothing bad happened! The world did not end, I did not die, I did not run out of the room, people did not stare at me funny or make fun of me or decide I’m horrible on the spot. I was ok. I am ok. And that’s the best thing to remember.

So moral of the story, Trust yourself, and listen to your inner voice.

You’ll surprise yourself every time.

-Stacey Katheryn


“To survive, you must tell stories.”

-Umberto Eco


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