Tag Archives: baby

What You Would Do if You Were Me

catgrin1What you would do if you were me and had…. A SHIT-load of leftover rice.

1. Get a pan.

2. Get a can of beans

3. Make enchilada sauce

Mix can of beans with leftover rice. Layer on corn tortilla shells with enchilada sauce. Throw in oven and pray.

Oh oh oh..... yum

Oh oh oh….. yum

What you would do if you were me and had…. No gas in your car.

1. Dig out all possible change in your vicinity

2. Pray

3. Baby talk your car into running just a little longer

4. Sweet talk your car into running just a little longer

5. Naughty talk your car into running just a little longer

6. Beg your car into running just a little longer (Come on, I’ve pretty much covered the entire verbal reproductive act here)

7. Finally dig up enough quarters to run just a little longer.

Magic, isn’t it?

Please baby, run just a little longer? Seriously, what car wouldn't for that?

Please baby, run just a little longer? Seriously, what car wouldn’t for that?


What you would do if you were me and had…. Insomnia and have tried EVERYTHING but sticking my head in the oven….

1. Take a shit-load of benedryl right before bed.

2. When you’re groggy in the morning (because of said benedryl) make the damndest strongest cup of coffee you can (it helps if you go to Italy, or have a friend in Italy send you a really awesome coffee maker because their coffee is STRONG- Thanks Jay πŸ™‚Β  )

3. Don’t drink coffee after 3 pm (or your 2 benedryls turns into 3)



What you would do if you were me and had…. Your massage therapy license.

1. Absolutely opposite of all advice you give to your clients to keep healthy

Crap. I’m seeing a theme here.

I included this picture purely to say... WTF?? That poor kid, not even born and already heading into a life of sickness and dietary disaster.

I included this picture purely to say… WTF?? That poor kid, not even born and already heading into a life of sickness and dietary disaster.

Ooh! Dinner’s done!

Pray for my enchiladas, dear readers. And sleep well, my pretties!





β€œI became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity”

-Edgar Allan Poe


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The miracle that was my first massage

From the first moment I shook her young hand to the moment I first spoke to her, found out her troubles and concerns, discovered her history as we spoke softly as I guided her to my massage table, and when she sat down on the edge tentatively, emanating nervousness and concern not just for lack of massage experience, but also due to the fetus growing inside of her young womb, I knew I was hooked on helping people.

Despite not knowing until later just how young she was, on the cusp of childhood and adulthood, no doubt barely out of high school, I knew there was something pure about her and it wasn’t just that unique and incredibly special pregnancy “new mother” energy about her. It was the young “I’m lost in the world and still trying to find my way”. At seven months pregnant, I can only imagine how hard her life is right now.

I’ve had two hours of prenatal massage training and I am nervous until the very moment I realize she is more nervous than I am, and as she tells me about her pains and her problems prompted and guided by my gentle questioning, I begin to realize… I can help her.

I talk her through the process so that she understands, I educate her through my training on the possible reasons for her pain and discomfort, she gets on the table under the sheets and blanket and I begin the massage. At first she is tentative, this is a whole new experience and I could, with a fair amount of accuracy, assess that it has been a very long time since anyone has touched her with any kind of care, or healing intent. This is far beyond muscle relaxation, far beyond the muscle releasing techniques to loosen the pull on her muscles and low back, it’s beyond my weeks of training and hours of prenatal training. This isn’t about the massage, it is about her, and it is about her baby, and it is about her quality of life, and how I could improve it.

This girl, who has probably not once relaxed in her entire life, finally began to relax. First her expression gently folding from one of trepidation to one of comfort, then her muscles following suit as they realize it’s ok to relax, and then… She fell asleep. With a slight smile on her face, taking deep breaths of comfort and security, something I could also safely say she is unaccustomed to.

With one of her hands on her baby belly, and her other hand in mine, she lets go of the worries in her life, at least for now, as I relax the muscles in her hand and gently break apart the fascia in her palm as tense as she used to be. With my gentle touch, I’ve told her muscles that it is safe, and it is ok to be relaxed and healthy. To me, this sight seems a miracle, and perhaps it was.

She confirmed to me later on that she was more relaxed, felt better and was in less pain. But the comfort still lingering on her face and in her eyes told me more than that. For once, if only just an hour in her young life… she felt safe.

And that is a sensation not to be taken for granted. But we all know that. I wish her the best in her life and her motherhood. And I am more than grateful for the gift she has given me of not just the ability to learn and practice what I was taught, but for showing me that strength has nothing to do with muscle mass. It has everything to do with letting go of your pain long enough to let someone hold your hand.

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Well Then.

If my previous post had no one worried, this one will do the trick. This being my therapy of sorts, besides now ethics class in school (haha, all but one of us has managed to start crying on multiple occasions. It’s a beautiful thing.) I thought I would write about my holy mother effing crappy weekend. We’ll start with a list.

Friday: Among things such as sore feet and back and migraine from hell, my elderly client and I were shot at by a pissy neighbor who wanted us off his property. Yes, it’s being looked into.

Saturday: Worked a super long shift and only got half my order done because I was doing someone else’s job simultaneously.

Sunday: The infamous overflowing sink escapade that I previously wrote about.

All the while stressing out about, well, you know, being shot at and the super huge test I have tomorrow. I have yet to overcome the numbness from both instances, though thanks to a great instructor, our whole class finally stopped getting a group-migraine and becoming teary-eyed, and finally got some of the answers and questions straightened out so we’re only 50% terrified instead of 110%.

I’m finding myself relating to my classmates in one way or another, pieces of their stories so familiar to me, yet so foreign, and yet, I still feel somewhat distanced and I’m wondering if it is a reflection of me and my emotions somehow. It occurred to me that nothing in the past year has gone right, every new things has gone entirely wrong, and I’ve not had very good experiences with becoming close to others, especially new people in my life. So I’m terrified of it. Of course, I’ll have to get closer to these people than I’ve got with anyone else before. Having to be ok with sharing personal life stories in class and locating the sacrum (your “ass bone” for lack of better term) on your classmate has an effect.

A personally terrifying one, for the fact that I hold almost no trust for anyone. No, that’s not true. It’s just that I am so used to being betrayed and/or left that I can’t even fathom the idea of getting close to someone, even if the instructors have stated that these people will eventually become life-long friends. I am not doubting it at this point. Of course, I hold beliefs that they do not, and I seem quite more open to holistic health than they are, so they look at me funny when I mention such things as acupressure (which we’re going to be learning so ha ha. If it takes hearing it from an instructor and not me to believe it, I’ll only be a little offended) and despite we’re all a somewhat healthy group of people, with holistic ideals with our goals being hydration, exercise and eating healthy, I am still the “hippie” of the group, lol. So what if I can’t quite help but educate people on food and the affects it has on your body and the fact that I am an encyclopedia of health foods and their effects. To a group who thinks whole wheat pasta is better for you than semolina pasta, or that steaming your inorganic broccoli is better than grilling it- it falls on deaf ears. I can’t help it that I work in a health food store.

It also is nonesohelpful that despite the common denominators, there seems to be somewhat of a hitch in how I relate to my classmates. Most have kids. Most have traveled elsewhere. Most have stories about themselves and their kids and their travels. I almost stole a baby today. That would have made a great story.

Nah, I wouldn’t have stolen the baby. The mother was way too attentive, the baby was breast fed and managed to slobber all over the shoulder of my scrubs before realizing my shoulder wasn’t going to give her milk. Then she tried my fingers, but discovered they wouldn’t give her milk either. Then she tried her own hand, same story. I love babies and she let me hold her for a long time. Mostly because sometimes people neglect to realize that they can get cold easy, and the best way to calm a fussy cold baby, I’ve learned by experience in peds in the hospital, is not to swaddle them- but to hold them facing you, pressed to your body and rubbing their back so they get the simultaneous body heat and heat friction on their back, plus the calming sensation of having their back rubbed and whatever shushing noises that (especially women) tend to make on instinct when a baby is crying. She loved being held like that. And why did I suddenly wander into that topic? Ah yes. I want babies. And the mother wouldn’t let me have hers.

Regardless… I have completely lost my train of thought.

Anyway, I’m working hard and going to school full time and publishing my novel and holding back when I shouldn’t be. I need to work on that. Oh well. It’s bed time. Peace out, my peeps.




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CNAs- We’re awesome and we know it

I have one looks just like it.

I’m going to write about CNAs (Certified Nursing Assistants) Why? I am one. I don’t have any pictures of myself in my scrubs or any nurse assistant equipment, so I found some pictures of other awesome CNAs.

We're awesome and we know it.

Ok, I’m a CNA and proud to be one, and the work I’ve done in my CNA career has been life-changing and phenomenal. Some of you may ask, What is a CNA? Or perhaps, What does a CNA do? Simple. We do everything nurses USED to do. We take care of the patients/residents in a way nurses used to have time for, but are now so bogged down with paperwork they can no longer afford the time it takes. Then we take over.

There are a million and one misconceptions concerning CNAs that I would love to clear up. Then I want to tell you a couple stories.

Misconception #1. We only work with the elderly

Not true. If you’ve ever been to a hospital and had somebody bring you towels, change your sheets, dress you, bathe you, feed you, bring in your food and drinks, interrogate you on how much you’ve peed, emptied your urinal and/or bed pan, listened to your needs, answered questions, wiped your ass, or came up with some brilliant and complicated plan to keep your IV out of the water while you bathe- You’ve just met a CNA.

Misconception #2. We don’t do any of the “real” work

I’d laugh, but that would be rude. People assume since we’re Certified and don’t have a License or spent four years in school means we don’t do any actual healthcare work. Let me clear something up: We’re trained to do the work we do, we’ve been through school, we’re state board certified in the same system of which nurses and doctors are licensed through and we’re recognized as healthcare professionals nation wide. Chances are, we’ve been trained in more variations of patient care than nurses are, we have more experience with patient needs and necessities, and we’re your best advocates for getting your needs met. We work tirelessly for you, for your health, and we do it with not just the professional standards required of us to keep our certifications: But with care for your well-being. We don’t care for your personal and medical needs, wipe asses and clean soiled sheets and deal with some of the hardest aspects of healthcare for the fun of it. We want you to be safe and clean, and we have the professional training in which to do it properly, period.

Misconception #3. We’re CNAs because we couldn’t cut it as nurses

Wrong again. We’re CNAs for the same reason a few decades ago nurses didn’t want to become doctors: Because we want to deal with the patients, not the paperwork. I’ve known plenty of career CNAs who do it for the cause, for the patient, and because they love to take care of others, despite the horrible pay, worse hours and consistent back stabbing and criticism from nurses and doctors.

Misconception #4. We’re just glorified housekeepers, or babysitters

I like to consider us as professional multi-taskers. Consider this: Anyone who has ever had to prevent an Alzheimer’s inflicted resident from flushing their pull-up down the toilet, slipping on their urine all over the floor or putting their pull up on their head or sticking silverware where the sun don’t shine, at the same time they’re changing the attend (ahem, “diaper”) on a full grown 250 pound adult male (I weigh about 109 pounds) and change an entire set of sheets and blankets without having the ability to remove the patient from the bed first, then answer six call-lights at once, while taking vitals, passing medication, taking temperatures, charting, cleaning, dressing and bathing residents can hardly be considered a “glorified babysitter” or “lazy” (Which is what that term essentially boils down to) We WORK for our money, and we work HARD.

Misconception #5. We’re CNAs because we don’t want to do the “dirty” work

Don’t read this if you’re squeamish. I’ve been pissed in the eye. I’ve gotten fecal matter rubbed in my face and hair and mouth. I’ve been thrown up on multiple times, including head-to-toe in foul smelling green bile and chunks of last night’s dinner. I’ve been pissed on, shit on, puked on, snotted on, spit on, bled on and have stepped in everything fromΒ  mucus to come (which I’ve also had smeared on me, long story.) I’ve waded through literal puddles of blood to reach a resident who had fallen. I’ve been shat on with a spray of diarrhea as an unfortunate result of being on the wrong end of a sick resident. I’ve been unwantedly kissed, licked, bitten, scratched, dragged, hit, yanked on, thrown around and kicked. I’ve changed soiled sheets that were so soiled they had to be discarded. I’ve cleaned up every bodily fluid known to man, including colostomy bags exploding on me of which hold fluids that no one was intended to see or smell. I’ve had catheter bags explode on the front of my shirt, I’ve cleaned up many dead bodies, – ok so I could go on but I think you get the point. If I wanted to keep my hands clean, I would have worked in a meat factory.

Misconception #6. Being a CNA is easy

I think you’re getting the idea by now how untrue that is. I’ve worked 12 and 15 hour shifts, weeks in a row, with pay too low to live on decently, taking no breaks in conditions that should require hazard pay. I’ve exposed myself to diseases and illnesses and suffered and worked through flus, colds, and other contagious short-term illnesses many a time just to care for those too sick to care for themselves. I’ve been involved in life-and-death emergency situations in which call for the quickest decisions to save lives. I put my life at risk to care for these people, willingly, and that is no exaggeration.

So that all being said, in a small list of many many misconceptions, I would like to admit that for as many “disgusting” situations I’ve been in, I’ve been involved in just as many heartbreaking, and just as many funny ones as well. Being a CNA is enriching to the soul and the heart, and I’ve learned lessons in life that no other occupation or schooling could teach me.

Anyone who has ever found themselves in a situation when they were too sick to care for themselves and were cared for and nursed back to health by others- you know what us CNAs do. I’ve saved lives, I’ve nursed the sick, I’ve lived the heartbreak over and over that is watching the pain and suffering of others while doing my best to ease it. I’ve been a counselor to those with unbearable traumas they won’t speak to anyone else about, but feel comfortable enough talking to the little nurse in scrubs who is helping them live just a little longer. I’ve heard war stories, combat stories from the most vicious battles from the most decorated vets, I’ve heard trauma stories from nurses and doctors and army nurses and emergency personnel. I’ve heard stories of childhood diseases and poverty and illness and loss and pain, and I’ve held the hand of the Alzheimer’s inflicted dying old man who just wanted to see his daughter one last time. I’ve sat with the sick and elderly while they died. I’ve taken care of and nurtured the sickest babies, rocked them and gave them the love and nurturing the parents who abandoned them at the hospital never gave them. To the sick and confused, I’ve been a mother, a daughter, a friend, a companion, a long lost lover, a beloved cat, a loving aunt, a neighbor, a doctor, a nurse.Β  I’ve been called a guardian angel, sent from heaven to care for them. I doubt this is any sort of true, but to be given such gratitude from somebody who without you, would be dying alone, in misery and pain, without a soul to care for their lives or who they were as people (not just sick and/or dying)- Well, you get the idea.

So please, the next time you decide to put down a CNA, just remember the sacrifice that is our jobs, and realize that most of us do it because we WANT to, not because we HAVE to, and we do it for you because we care.



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I’ve been doing a lot of research around the internet lately. Blogs, pictures, websites, whatever catches my fancy and truthfully, most everything does. Some things have become quite the curiosity for me, and I’ve decided there are a few things about this culture I do not understand. If anybody has some wise explanation for the existence of these strange, almost animalistic behaviors, by all means please enlighten me!

1. Planking.

This is not me planking

Talk about an (excuse the acronym) “OMG” moment. Or more like a “WTF” moment. What is the appeal of planking? I admit, the first one or two pictures I saw of someone planking was somewhat entertaining (haha, look at what that strange person is doing). But then I began to realize it has become a cultural obsession! How long has this bizarre behavior been going on? Where was I when it began? (Answer: Not planking.)

And people are just taking it too damn far, in my opinion. Not just by exhibit photo A (above), but this is proof of its gluttonous over-usage:

Now cook on HIGH for 4 minutes, turn once, and....

Who in their right minds would plank a baby on a microwave? That’s not cute. That’s dangerous and absurd.

The only form of planking I really understand is if it’s for some kind of act, something for entertainment as in contortionists and performers, for instance, this:

This is pretty cool

But this one is for entertainment and to show off your hard work and the skills that are produced from that hard work. Otherwise planking, to me, seems like a bunch of idiots laying around on their stomachs, propping themselves up on stuff or sticking their heads in toilets to look-… I don’t even know. Is “cool” the word I’m searching for? What term do the plankers use?

2.Taking pictures of your children with money

Is that how much he cost?

This is only one of literally hundreds I have discovered while scouring the internet for information. This one honestly baffles me. I just can’t figure out the “why”. WHY take pictures of your children with money? It seems to be most popular with babies. I just… the reason, the appeal, the whatever is just not there for me. Are we really so obsessed with money that we equate it to life?

3. The absurd over-usage of meaningless acronyms (or TAOUOMA, for short)

I concur

Now the usage of acronyms has been around forever, in every aspect of life and professions ranging from healthcare to the military toΒ  ship captains and more. The idea is as a time saver. So you don’t have to write out full explanations that take up a lot of time or space, or acronyms used to shorten titles so they aren’t so long to say. Some common examples of typical abbreviations you may or may not have heard, but most you probably have, and I threw in a couple of old ones:

CD– Compact Disc (Common usage since CDs were born)

ASAP– As Soon As Possible (Common usage)

SOB– Shortness of Breath (Healthcare usage) We all know its other meaning.

PDQ– Pretty Damn Quick (Common usage in the 1800’s)

CQD– Come Quick Distress (Used by ship captains before SOS was put into effect)

SOS– This actually does not have an alphabetic equal. This has a morse code equivalent as …_ _ _… and that is how it was first established in Germany in 1905. It became known as SOS because the code spells SOS. In some places, the _ _ _ in morse code stands for the number 5, and there the code is known as S5S. SOS stopped being used, officially, in 1999.

ETA– Estimated Time of Arrival (Used primarily in the Military)

AWOL– Absent Without Leave (Used primarily in the Military)

MIA– Missing In Action (Used primarily in the Military)

APB– All Points Bulletin (Used primarily in law enforcement)

BYOB– Bring Your Own Beer [or Bottle] (Used for parties in which the host just invited a bunch of alcoholics and doesn’t want to spend an inordinate amount of money on alcohol. Or, for short: If you want to drink, bring your own!)

BM– Bite Me (Uncommon usage) or Bowel Movement (Healthcare usage)

DIY– Do It Yourself (Common usage)

FAQ– Frequently Asked Questions (Common usage)

LEO– Law Enforcement Officer (guess)

FIFO– First In, First Out (Used primarily in food service)

The government is super good at acronyms: CIA, DHS, TSA, FBI, ICE,

Super good- just check out this list!

And it continues on. Nowadays, everything is turned into an acronym!

I’ll start by being fair and admitting that I use some acronyms too.

Acronyms I use regularly:

LOL- Laugh out Loud

IB– I’m Back

BRB– Be Right Back

TTYL– Talk To You Later

Acronyms I use sparingly:

WTF- What The Fuck (I only use this one when the implication is extreme.)

OMG– Oh My God (Only used with an undertone of sarcasm- and even then I feel my self-decency shrivel away as I use it.)

BTW– By The Way (This one is just habit.)

That’s pretty much it. LOL I adopted when it first began being used in the late nineties. Some of the others I adopted because of short-hand texting and limits to the length of texts on old or crappy phones.


OMFG,WTF,LOL,ROTFL,LMFAO,TY,NVM,SMH,FML,B/C,J/K,BF,BFF,GF,NG,CAD,CYA,FOB,FU,G2B,AAMOF,HTH,IMNSHO, WYSIWYG, BBLBNTSBO, Et Cetra. (I’ll post the meanings to these at the bottom in case you don’t know.)

This is extreme. It’s said that in fifty years, we won’t even use words anymore, it’ll all be acronyms. To me, this is lazy and annoying. Maybe I’m old fashioned or being on the cusp of Generation X and Generation Y, I’m more X than Y. I also don’t believe that acronyms, unless shortened as a title, or something too long or hard to say easily (CD, DVD, FAFSA, ETC.) should be spoken, especially not in every day conversation. Every time I hear somebody say “OMG” or “WTF” or “BFF” or “LMFAO” I want to slap them and tell them to use big-boy or big-girl words. Like I said, maybe I’m just not as Generation Y as one might expect of an early 80’s baby.

3.2- Full words shortened into acronyms

PLS/PLZ– Please

THX– Thanks

ABT– About

B4– Before

Just as annoying! (Handy for text limits, however)

Anyway, this is just three of many. So, like I said, if anyone can explain this phenomena, just let me know! Thx and Ttyl!



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Acronyms meanings:


Oh My Fucking God, What The Fuck, Rolling On The Floor Laughing, Laughing My Fucking Ass Off, Thank You, Never Mind, Shaking My Head, Fuck My Life, Because, Just Kidding, Boyfriend (or Best friend), Best Friends Forever, Girlfriend, No Go, Control Alt Delete, See Ya, Fuck Off Bitch, Fucked up or Fuck You,Going To Bed, As A Matter Of Fact, Hope This Helps, In My Not So Humble Opinion,What You See Is What You Get,Be Back Later But Not Too Soon Because Of…


If you’re going to plank, don’t do it in a toilet. Or at least, make sure you’ve flushed the toilet first.


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