Tag Archives: chocolate

Going Mad

WriteQuoteTuesday3

Ah, my mortal enemy. Writer’s block. But can it be considered genuine “writer’s block” (Not that I believe in it, as you know from previous posts) if I know exactly what I want to write… But not how?

All week long I’ve come up with BRILLIANT ideas, the stuff that BRILLIANCE is made of. (Yes I’m sober.)

But every time I sit down at my typewriter- nil. Nothing. Nada. Niente. Nine.

Why? Good Gosh, I haven’t a clue.

So here is my night in a nutshell before my nightcap.

I make dinner (yum but yawn), watch an episode of Quantum Leap (“Dreams” season 4) get all intrigued and ideas begin to flow (again). Sit at computer (actually, I’m already seated at it). Open Word. Nothing. Get up, dance for an hour and a half to clear my mind. It works. The ideas begin to flow. They build up until I begin to tremble, the sweat pours down my body, my heart is pounding to the rhythm of my desire to write and passion to put quill to paper or fingers to keys is almost too much to handle! I’m going to explode! Hurry up, damnit, Microsoft Word just open the new file! Yes, I want a blank page. Yes I want it formatted. Yes, yes yes, yes YES!

Nothing.

Blog about it.

Still nothing.

Sigh.

Writing does clear my mind, it’s the reason I do it, among many reasons indeed. I rather appreciate a clear mind when I go about my daily business, especially when my daily business IS business, such as today when all I’ve done is reformat, upload, edit, talk to a business development person from the SBA (Small Business Association), come up with a game plan to promote both businesses and myself. Hours spent on what appears to be nothing by the end of the day. Though, Amazon now has updated copies of The Legends of Sangue books 1-3 by Stacey Katheryn through The Village Poet Press. I have some wonderful ideas to work on this business and my Massage business. So I suppose, today was VERY productive.

Today my mind was flowing with ideas as most other days, wishing I was in a place or time to sit and write. I have millions of ideas just floating around in this noggin of mine. So why can’t I let them escape?

I will tell you the one thing I have discovered so far. It’s entirely mental. (But isn’t everything related to writing just mental?) There is something that is stopping my fingers whenever I put them to the keyboard. Now, I am rewording some things, editing my book, prepping it for its June publication (Check out details here: Of Trust of Treason, Book Four of The Legends of Sangue) but I can’t seem to do anything but play with what is already there.

Where’s the new stuff? In my head, silly. Hell, I have entire books planned by now. All I need to do is get past this mental block and get them down.

I have a feeling it’s either going to take an exorbitant amount of alcohol, or an exorbitant amout of chocolate and coffee.

Or Elvis.

“For I can’t help falling in love with you…”

Stacey

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“Good fiction’s job is to comfort the disturbed, and disturb the comfortable.”

-David Foster Wallace

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cover    For more information on my published novels, click here!

thevillagepoetpress  Visit The Village Poet Press (My publishing company)

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Today Is Where Your Book Begins… The Rest Is Still Unwritten

Serenerainleaves

As a writer, when I sit down to my quill and parchment, it is obviously distressing when words do not come to me. Because I love words, I’ve been thinking words all day, I’ve been “practicing” in my mind what I will write, what I want to say, where I would like to take my story, and now that I am sitting down to write it, the words are gone.

But I begin to rethink this phenomenon (known as “Writer’s Block”, should such a thing even exist) I am beginning to believe that there is no such thing. Why? Because words are always there. Perhaps there is something keeping you from finding them, or life’s distractions have hidden them from you and you may have to unravel a few layers of yourself to find them. (For those of you sitting there angrily shaking your heads, thinking “she has no idea what real writer’s block is!” Yes, I do. I’ve had to put projects aside for YEARS because I was stuck. I understand the frustration.)

But as with many things, maybe a different perspective is needed to understand this. Sometimes, being wordless is beautiful.

How?

Now that I have to temporarily place my project aside, I’m able to listen to the sounds around me. A recently rediscovered beautiful song, the noisy neighbors, even the television in the other room. It allows me to temporarily focus on something else, realize that the pressures I am putting on myself are utterly unneeded. There is nothing in this world that’s going to stop or crumble because I’m unable to find my words.

“Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window, let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it, release your inhibitions.”- Natasha Bedingfield (“Unwritten”)

Maybe I just need to open my window, let in a little sunlight.

Maybe eat a little chocolate.

Namaste, everyone. Have a wonderful night (or day, as it may)

Stacey

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“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity”

-Edgar Allan Poe

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cover    For more information on my published novels, click here!

thevillagepoetpress  Visit The Village Poet Press

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Old Topic: End of the world. New Topic: Coconut bon bons!

I’m going to go into a quick overview of the end-of-the-world (only out of obligation to the paranoid masses), then we’re talking candy.

Here’s what the “end of the world” looks like.

Galactic Alignment - Sun with Galactic plane

It’s certainly not this:

july-4th-fireballs

My favorite fact in this life. The sun (and Earth) is passing the equator of the Milky Way for the first time in 26,000 years. The implications of which are amazing. The capabilities of our solar system, the sun of which keeps us alive, and something so large it takes TIME to measure its size. To quote Genie, “Phenomenal Cosmic Power!!!!” The alignment of the sun in the direct center of the galactic equator? It’s mind blowing. More on this later. Why? I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.

Kingofthieves107

Now, on to these:

8694670-close-up-of-chocolate-bon-bons

 

Nope, these are not mine. I wish they are, but sadly, my recipe doesn’t call for this kind of beauty as the end result. It is somewhat a secret recipe, with very tentative, difficult steps to follow. But I will tell you my secret recipe. I’m feeling generous today.

Ingredients:

1. Some coconut (Not just some, but A LOT. Probably more than you have, so stop here, and go out and buy some more)

coconuts

2. Chocolate chips (Most think they can make this with one bag. No, not when you burn the chocolate the first time around and have to start over. Go ahead and pick up another bag while you’re out getting your coconut)

My favorite

My favorite

3. I make mine non-dairy, so make sure you have coconut milk (So Delicious is the best brand. Vanilla, sweetened. Nothing from a can.)

sodelvan

4. Now, because you’re already preparing to embark on a sugar high of a lifetime, get some powdered sugar (I beg of you to get organic powdered sugar. Your body down to its molecular structure will thank you)

5. Get some more powdered sugar, just in case.

6. If you happen to have coconut manna on hand, by all means, use it. If not, butter will do you just fine.

Manna is the inside scrapings of a young coconut, hardens when it gets cold

Manna is the inside scrapings of a young coconut, hardens when it gets cold

7. Vanilla extract.

 

flanksteak

Ok, here’s the directions. Now pay close attention, one false move and you may end up with bon bons as beautiful as the ones above.

Step one:

Put your coconut in a bowl (eyeball about three cups or more)

Put about a cup or two of coconut milk in a separate bowl (eyeball about 15 ounces worth), now slowly add powdered sugar until you get the consistency of condensed milk (which is, guess what? Milk and sugar. Congratulations, you just made your own condensed coconut milk! Now market that shiznit and make some money!)

happymoneylady

Add your invention to the coconut and stir. It should NOT be soupy, but it should NOT be dry, it should be formable (Is that a word?). Dig your hands in deep to stir (it’s easier to have a tactile idea of what your filling is going to be doing while it’s being flash boiled in chocolate)

When it’s proper consistency (can semi hold its form in balls), add your half cup of  manna (room temperature) or half stick of butter (same) and knead into dough. What this should do is hold the coconut in place. If you’re using manna, it isn’t going to do much holding into place until after you chill the dough.

chillout

Oh yes, add the vanilla (one or two teaspoons, depending on your preference) whenever the hell you feel like it (before it’s chilled, of course.) And keep in mind if you use too much- well, vanilla extract is alcohol, the filling gets nowhere near hot enough to cook the alcohol away. You’re going to have alcoholic bon bons. Like I said before, personal preference.

toodrunktocook

Once you have a pretty formable dough, cover the bowl in cling wrap, toss in the fridge for a few hours, then well, pray. When it’s cold, it should be able to form a ball that WON’T fall apart. If it falls apart, add a little more liquid (as cold as you can), if it is still a bit crumbly, roll into balls, stick on a cookie sheet with wax paper, and freeze those little mothers until they have no choice but to stay together (I freeze them every time regardless, it just works better this way) Either way, chill it for a few hours before you make your candy. Wait impatiently.

Alarm_Clocks_20101107a

OK, if you have a double boiler, for god’s sakes, use it! If you don’t, jerry-rig one out of a big sauce pan and a little sauce pan and make your life and this project more miserable then it has to be, just because you won’t go out and buy yourself a double boiler (something handy to pick up while you’re out getting more coconut and chocolate, come to think of it)

Start melting the chocolate, you know, dump the bag in the top part of the double boiler (we’re assuming you’re smarter than me here, and actually have one) and stir like you’ve never stirred in your life. Keep it at super low temperature. Some say to use a thermometer. I say eff it.

You need to have a cookie sheet with wax paper prepared. It’s handy if you had it in the freezer or had it chilling beforehand, it helps harden the chocolate faster.

I’m going over this next part really fast, because these directions are getting long, and if you’ve made it this far, by golly, you can make it all the way.

You can do it, I have faith in you!

You can do it, I have faith in you!

Take butter/greased tongs. Pick up one ball of coconut stuff at a time, dip in chocolate, immediately pull from chocolate or it’s going to fall apart in the chocolate (nothing ruins your chocolate faster than spilling filling in it) drop onto cold wax paper, and repeat. The second that pan is full, throw that sucker back into the freezer, or fridge, and hope for the best. The faster that chocolate hardens, the better your bon bons. It’s going to take awhile. Wait impatiently again.

313932-young-male-impatiently-waiting-for-his-dinner

These aren’t mine, but I found a picture that looks similar to this recipe and how it really should look:

mo1a12_tiramisu_bon_bons_lg

Now, here’s the real secret. This is a poor-chefs recipe. If you have experience and all the candy making supplies in the world, you’re going to be just fine. Ah screw it, you’re going to be just fine regardless. You can always mix it all up together, lay it out on the cookie sheet, wait until the chocolate hardens, break it up into bites and say “I meant to do that.”

frustrated-234x251

Come up with an inventive name (My Magical Coconutty Slivers of Life) and make it a new tradition. Honestly, nobody is going to turn down offered chocolate/coconut candy just because it isn’t shaped like a bon bon (“Ew, I don’t want that, they’re supposed to be round, I don’t eat candy that isn’t round”) And if they do say it, they don’t deserve your candy anyway. Feel free to tell them so.

crazy-lady1

Well, this is my evening in a nutshell. I do this every Christmas season, while blaring Christmas music and drinking eggnog (You want to add a ton of fun and some extra patience to your endeavor? Add a bit of rum to that eggnog of yours)

alcoholic egg nog

Smile, and realize the solid truth. You only do this once a year.

holidays-funny-picture

Well, it’s hours before I make my candy. I better start. Everyone have a wonderful 12/21/12 and happy baking!!

 

Stacey

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* My blog: Words of Fantasy *

The Legends of Sangue *

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Shingles? Ugh!

Ugh has seemed to become my new favorite word as of late, even spoken outloud. Ugh, my computer is slow. Ugh, I’ve got in my allotted 2 web pages a day and now it’s done working. Ugh I’m tired of getting bitched out by crabby old ladies. Ugh I have to spend almost $200 on school supplies. Now…

Ugh. I might have Shingles.

Teach me to joke about vericella, haha. (For those who don’t know, vericella is the virus that causes chicken pox, shingles, cold sores, and herpes among other things…)

Makes me want to go back and see what other serious ailments I’ve joked about recently just in case this was some kind of sign or omen or something.

Now I have to declare myself off-limits until I know for sure. And I think back to who all I’ve hugged the last day or so. Kids, babies, little old ladies…

Ugh.

All I can say is…. at least this is happening BEFORE school, if indeed this is what “this” is.

I’m off to go pout. I had a long list of things I was going to blog about ever since I discovered my computer will allow the first two or three websites I open in a day to function and saved the first website for WordPress, but it’s all gone from my mind at the moment.

Well, let’s hope it’s not. I haven’t had shingles since pre-kindergarten days, and I still remember how painful they are. But, on the plus side, if it is… I’ll have a lot more time on my computer!

One last ugh, and chocolate here I come. (Hey, chocolate has proven pain-relieving properties right? If it doesn’t, I’m gonna need to hire a statistician to write up a false report with fake citations to claim that- oh fuck it, we’ll just agree that it’s a cure-all and leave it at that.)

Have a wonderful night, my peeps.

Stacey

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Rockin Robin

I wish I could come up with some kind of inspirational inscription for you all to cherish (or read and discard of your own desire) however, I have caffeinated myself with organic green tea and B vitamins, which strangely puts me in a grander mood than regular coffee, organic or not, and am enjoying myself by listening (and dancing to) Rockin Robin, by Bobby Day. “He rocks in the tree top, all day long, hoppin’ and a’boppin’ and a’singin his song, all the little birds on jaybird street, love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet” How can you not sing and bop along?

There is something to be said for the golden oldies- or as I call it, music I grew up with and have loved since day one of my existence. The post-WWII era be-bop, happiness in musical notation variety, high school love and subtle innuendos, beats that get you moving no matter what mood you happen to be in. At The Hop, Splish Splash, Great Balls of Fire.

Then there’s the soul and R&B of the glory days, music that hits you in the heart and keeps digging in, in such a beautiful way, the smooth rhythms, deep vocal tones to match the wondrous bass so touching and so beautiful you close your eyes and relish in the lyrics that make you feel so in touch with life, the way life should be. Stand By Me, Drift Away, even Mustang Sally.

The girl groups (also known as Motown), so gorgeous and freeing to the woman’s soul, regardless of race, there is something incredibly empowering about women getting together, getting up in front of a crowd in a still as-yet male dominated world, and singing their soulful hearts out. The fact that they were black in a white dominated world during a very racially suppressed time, makes it even more admirable. Heat Wave, One Fine Day, Leader of the Pack.

Even the gritty, deep sounds of bluegrass, sometimes laced with humor, sometimes laced with deep tones and lyrics. Beautiful and moving no matter which way you look at it. King of the Road, A Boy Named Sue.

Needless to say, half the time when I’m in the car alone, I’m listening to the Oldies station. Which, by now, plays songs not just from the 50’s and 60’s, but 70’s as well. I can forgive that, saying that I love what I will always consider classic rock (70’s.) Accepting that songs of those years are now considered oldies only forces me to accept the years gone by. However, to ME, and MY opinion, Oldies will always be 50’s to late 60’s.

I’m not entirely sure the reason for this blog, except that I woke up drawing inspiration from these songs, and thought I would write about it before the expectations of my day begin to close in on me.

Speaking of expectations: Do I have the guts to make another vlog today? I have received zero response from the last one (haha, honestly expected.) I just need to persevere and make more, ahem, not so idiotic videos. Not bad for my first video considering I was babbling for over an hour and so tired I felt ready to, well, take a nap. But honestly, if I want to find some way to promote me as a blogger, writer, entertainer, and promote my book of which I plan to publish soon… I need to up my game.

I.E.- not be afraid to actually PROMOTE myself, rather than blog, vlog, not market and expect my blogging to independently take it upon itself to market itself.

There’s a lot to be said for hard work. And that’s the only way this is going to work.

Whoops, expectation is creeping up, I can smell it. Better end this blog and hope for the best!

Stacey

“The only one who could ever reach me was the sweet-talkin son of a preacher man!”

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How Much More Complicated Can It Get?

DANGEROUS words to ask yourself, my friends. Dangerous words.

I must get this out, so I must blog it, because no self-respecting persons of the 21st century ever keeps their secrets to themselves anymore; it’s all exposed on Facebook or through miscellaneous blogs for the entire world to see.

But in order to protect certain people and certain feelings, I’ll just say, FUCK are emotions complicated. As is life. As is… everything. Saw an old friend today I haven’t seen in a few months. It was… complicated. Some emotions change, some do not, it wasn’t a bad thing at all. It was indeed nice to see him again. But in that few months some unexpected things happened that changed a lot on this end.  As I would suspect it went likewise.

Either way, there’s only one thing left to ask myself: How do you infuse chocolate into vodka, and how the hell do I get some?

The-ever-so-complicated-and-confused,

Stacey.

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http://www.youtube.com/user/StaceyKatheryn

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My blog page:

http://www.staceykatheryn.wordpress.com

 

 

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Chihuahuadors and Chocolate

My Beautiful Chihuahuador Jezzie

My Beautiful Jezzie!!!

And as we know, never give a Chihuahuador chocolate- Chocolate makes dogs sick! Now that THAT disclaimer is out of the way…

So here goes, there’s been a few tiny happenings, first and foremost- I LOVE maple-glazed gluten-free donuts. (There’s  A LOT of hyphens in this post so far, sheesh)

I’m finally getting my poor Chihuahuador fixed (My poor baby. She’s still sick, and this will fix that. And considering how tiny she is, and how much she likes the neighbor’s giant ass Rottweiler- I think we’re all better off if I get her fixed.) So I’m grateful that this should fix her- I’m nervous because my little baby has to get surgery 😦

Also, let’s see… oh yes.  School plans are underway and looking good, my new job finally came through, and it looks like I’ll be able to keep it through school too, I’m almost done editing my book (hell, having a foreigner read my book and give me feedback is super helpful, actually. There’s nobody better to point out mistakes in your English, in grammar or what does and doesn’t make sense, then someone who is learning it afresh.) So I wish to say a big thank you to my friend in Italy, even though she doesn’t read my blog.

What else? Uh… Ooh! Right. I just set up my ownYouTube video channel! StaceyKatheryn… though you probably won’t find anything if you look me up…

If you are reading this post fairly soon after it is written, there are absolutely zero videos up right now. I plan to start (finally) my own video blog.  If you’ve known me longer than this blog has been up, I’ve been talking about blogging/video blogging (vlogging, haha) for a long time now. I figured hey, I finally got this blog up, I can get up a vlog too! If I get the nerve, haha. Which I will.

No, really.

Anyway, so I’m enjoying writing fantasy fiction more than ever right now because it gives me a chance to ignore the fucked up things I’m not blogging about, and put those emotions into my writing,making for fantastic writing and leaving just leftover quirkiness and positivity (ahem, mostly) to share with all of my favorite readers!

So, I feel like I’m forgetting something. What is it?

Wow, I have restarted this sentence three times. What is up with me tonight? Maybe I just haven’t had enough caffeine today. Then again, it’s almost midnight, I pity the fool who tries to recaffeinate at midnight. That is the stuff of video blogs, not written blogs.

Oh, yes, the moral of my story. Eventually, things do get better. As I recently learned: Patience is a wonderful teacher.

Oh right, and…. I NEED CHOCOLATE!

Given the choice, I almost resent choosing the maple donut over the chocolate donut. But tomorrow I get food money, so I can buy as many chocolate donuts as I want. But even since I ate that oh-so-yummy maple donut, I’ve been craving the chocolate one I can’t have. Oh, my life is so disastrously void of chocolate! Whatever to do!!!

Thanks for reading!

Oh and by the way, the reason I’m finally getting up the nerve to actually want to video blog again, because to be honest I’d kind of given up on the 2-year-long idea, is due to this awesome person’s video blog I’m currently addicted to. Not SUPER addicted to, like chocolate, vodka, Chihuahuadors and caffeine, but- oh what the hell, I’ve been watching her videos every night before bed, I think that puts it up there with my other favorite vices. Anyway, her name is Jenna Marbles and check her out at http://www.youtube.com/user/JennaMarbles

A Presto! (As my Italian friend says)

Stacey

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http://sangueseries.wordpress.com/

My vlog channel:

http://www.youtube.com/user/StaceyKatheryn

My author page:

http://www.facebook.com/staceykatheryn

My blog page:

http://www.staceykatheryn.wordpress.com

 

 

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How to relieve stress in the most improper ways

Because “improper” is rarely wrong.

Ok, I’m going to say this outright. This is the second version of this post, because as I was attempting to “select all” (ctrl+A) and “copy all” (ctrl +C) my assurance that if I have to restart my browser suddenly I won’t lose my whole blog, my chihuahuador began to hump my arm and my finger slipped off the ctrl button and erased everything while I was trying to copy it.

But I suppose that just fits the topic, lol.

Ok, so I just finished publishing my super positive blog post called “Happy New Year” (for all of you who haven’t read it, it’s the one before this outlining what will happen when the alien zombies attack and eat our brains) and I decided it had been a long time since I’ve read my other posts, and I wanted to see how much I’ve changed since May 01, 2011 (the last time I successfully logged in to wordpress.com before this month.) So I began to reread them all. Turns out, I’ve changed quite a bit. Quite a bit indeed.

It seems I was in a somewhat (kind of) better mood then, at least compared to tonight’s mood (yowsers). Which benefited me in the insane way of which rereading those previous blogs put me in a better mood, and I decided to write a better blog. One with some positivity (I’ve been listening to Phil Collins, Kiss and other such stuff to put myself in a good mood the last few hours. Hasn’t worked. Don’t pay too much attention to the artists themselves, it was mostly just cheesy 80’s music I was looking for a good mood within.)

Anyway, now that I managed to find my good mood and some positivity, I managed to realize the biggest lesson I’ve learned in this past crazy-ass year was simply this: The best ways in which to relieve stress. Most of these, in one way or another, I’ve been told are not considered entirely “appropriate” or “proper” so I leave it to your sound judgment whether or not any of these 10 stress relievers might work for you or your health. They did for me.

1. Start a maximum body performance exercise routine such as P90X (or Insanity, if you’re insane)

2. Change jobs 3 times (maybe 4)

3. Start a blog in which to put all your focus, energy and sarcasm into (and don’t be afraid to blog realistically and about other people)

4. Go to a concert with a coworker, and/or a coworker and your manager (the harder the rock, the better)

5. Fuck a Senior Airman (the more often, the more stress relief, trust me on this)

6. Take sexy photos (don’t post them on facebook unless they’re really good)

7. Organize your entire living space (I wouldn’t suggest overdoing this one)

8.  Learn to make chocolate coconut bon bons  (overdo this one a lot)

9. Don’t eat a tea mixture that looks and smells like tropical trail mix (it doesn’t taste that way)

10. Learn to enjoy the little things, find love and companionship whenever you can, and find meaning in everything you possibly can.

So, while I’ve been dealing with a lot of shitty things too, around every corner, these things, in one way or another, have kept me going. Using # 10, I have kept a secret and special place in my heart for all the above mentioned happenings. So even though I don’t know what the future holds for anyone, or what the next few months are going to bring, I will always, always hold a fondness in my heart for Moroccan Mint tea, Rick Astley, and Toyota Tacomas.

And I’ll always hope for the best, for everyone.

Stacey.

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Follow my novel at:

http://sangueseries.wordpress.com/

My vlog channel:

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My author page:

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Goals and other such crap

I title my blog this way, purely to exhibit my frustration with *goals*, goals, personal goals in the writing world. I am a little bit overwhelmed and I have done this intentionally. I need to pressure myself in order to complete these. If I ever want my writing read, I need to finish it!

So I have given myself some pretty steep deadlines, because I have spent the past couple of weeks doing little to no writing, and no planning whatsoever. Just a lot of “I wish” and “I hope” and “one day”s….

So no more. I put myself on a deadline. So here I go.

1. Find wrist braces

2. Plug in thumbdrive

3. Open files

4. Get chocolate

Time to write 🙂

Stacey.

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Follow my novel at:

http://sangueseries.wordpress.com/

My vlog channel:

http://www.youtube.com/user/StaceyKatheryn

My author page:

http://www.facebook.com/staceykatheryn

My blog page:

http://www.staceykatheryn.wordpress.com

 

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So here I am…

So here I am, writing braces on, gearing up and ready to write, and nothing. Nada. Niente. Nessuno! Nothing nothing nothing… So I figured I’d write about not knowing what to write.

No that isn’t completely true, I know what I need to write about, I know all the scenes I have picked out that I need to work on, but nothing’s coming to me and I think I know why. Because I had a really terrible day. One of those days in which your icky past walks through the door and figuratively bitch-slaps you in the face.  The type of day only vodka can cure.

But vodka is apparently gone for the day, and so I have… my blog. It’s 1:45 AM, nobody is exactly online, and I can’t just sit here listening to Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now” over and over and over alone all night as I sip on my figurative vodka and cry… (and no, the lyrics don’t have anything to do with my situation, but the sound fits)

I’ve always said “I’m not going to use my blog to bitch about my days” well… ah, no one else is listening and who knows, this may just provide some form of entertainment for the folks at home, closing their internet browsers right now.

Besides, I shouldn’t let something get to me so bad that I stoop to alcohol in which to deal. I haven’t taken a drink in a year (ish) and I’m kinda proud of that. Trust me, it’s not the way to go.

When I say I “came face to face” with my past (which I didn’t actually say until now), I also only mean that figuratively, because like a little wuss, I avoided the lobby, and my duties as cashier, until said “past” and his little (“little”) girlfriend left. I give no more details except he is a major reason why my life has been miserable hell for the past three years. I couldn’t face him. So I asked my manager to take over for me while I went outside to cool off. Why?

I was afraid of my own response. I know this person. He would have tried to apologize, just to feel better about himself. Introduce me to his “little” girlfriend. Tell me how he’s been doing. Ask me how I’ve been doing (Maybe) probably in some form of “oh you’re working in fast food now?” (for anyone who doesn’t know, I admitted my profession in my last blog with a funny story , if you’re interested check it out 🙂 “It’s quite impolite to steal chocolate”)

Knowing myself, I would have… gotten more angry than I’d care to admit. (And that’s not admitting how angry I’d get) and let me tell you, well deserved- not incredibly attractive on my behalf. I’d rather come face to face with the direct cause of my three-years of misery, because at least then there was no out right betrayal.

I was lucky to have a manager who understood without question, and an awesome coworker who picked up my duties until said “past” was gone (to let you know, I was not lazy. I did their job while they did mine so no one got behind, and I waited until they were caught up with their stuff to go outside for a bit)

My awesome coworker even cleaned up the “soda spill” in the lobby. The one I was supposed to get, as cashier. The one everyone knew was my job to pick up, including the customers. The soda spill said “past” created. I told my awesome coworker a great big “thank you” for getting it for me. As I said, I was afraid of my own response, my reaction, what I’d do. I’m not cowering in terror at the thought of facing the real past or said “past” or coming face to face with the person himself.

But I honestly didn’t trust myself. I credit myself with a good deal of will power (trust me) but there are a couple of situations from my past in which I find myself completely unable to control my responses to and that’s one of them. One of which I’d find myself completely unable to keep my mouth shut, or my fist from their face at worst response. It was best to go outside for awhile, though it was a miserable half hour in which he spent taking his time “eating” spilling his soda and waiting to see if I’d make any kind of eye contact with him. I still helped other customers, I didn’t avoid being in his eyesight because I knew he’d already seen me and that would be just stupid to run away and pretend like he didn’t know I was there. But I would not go out into the lobby. And it helped NOTHING that he decided to sit right where he could stare at me the whole time I was cashiering.

He was a major cause of my pain, he abandoned me when I became disabled and needed him the most, he literally left me homeless (because I couldn’t, as I realize a good way to put it, fulfill his “manly needs” [I.E- Fuck him or clean his house]) and that’s all I’m going to say about that, because the details were much, much worse.

And there we have it, I’ve complained about my day. I think this would be a good time to write the scene in which the depressed young boy finally discovers what his destiny is, and starts a war to end an even bigger war and bring everyone together in peace (and fangs, claws, and wolves.)

Thanks for listening, my friends.

Stacey

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