Oh, you know how I hate to give a bad review. So I won’t mention names. But why, oh why oh why oh WHY are most anti-virus programs just like the viruses they’re supposed to fight? Here are some similarities and differences I have noticed lately between viruses, and anti-virus software.
1. Viruses are unintentionally downloaded programs that infect your computer and cause it to slow down for starters.
Anti-virus programs are intentionally downloaded programs that infect your computer and cause it to slow down, for starters.
2. Viruses are difficult to get rid of, often infect multiple files in your computer and take a long, long time to get rid of, and even when you think you’ve gotten rid of it all, eventually a piece of it pops back up.
Anti-virus programs are difficult to get rid of, and often pop up with pieces of their programming long after you’ve been under the impression you’ve removed every bit of it. (Such as my computer finding nothing left of a *certain* anti-virus program, when its icon is still on my start menu. And my computer is absolutely positive it has no more of *another* program of whose toolbar still dictates my searches in my browser and occasionally pops up an ad or two)
3. Viruses often use up a ton of your virtual memory, causing problems with your computer
Anti-virus programs often use up a ton of your virtual memory, causing problems a million.
4. Viruses and adware are often designed to try and fool you into thinking you need to buy so many products for yourself and your computer and spend money money money (while trashing your computer with more adware and viruses)
Is that REALLY so honestly different than the consistent advertising I was getting from my newest downloaded (and now *gone*) anti-virus program?
5. Viruses and adware cause pop-ups that are difficult to x out of.
Anti-virus programs cause pop ups that won’t go away until you’ve acknowledged them
6. Viruses do things without your permission
Anti-viruses don’t even have the nerve to rub it in your face when they fuck with your computer, they just run rampant like they own the damn thing and decide which websites are good for you, and block you from ones that it deigns “possibly dangerous”
7. Viruses are sneaky little sons of bitches who use the power of stealth to wreck havoc in the internals of your computer and then laugh at your attempts to perform a simple task and find yourself thwarted by the Trojan that is the herpes of the internet.
Anti-virus programs are self-absorbed, pretentious little bastards that think they know what’s best for you, without eliminating all of your enemy, and essentially work as well as a mild shot of penicillin works on Methicillin resistant staphylococcus aureus.
They both eat up your RAM, your memory, and your sanity. Honestly, I’d rather fight my enemy head-on, face-to-face, one-on-one, like a man! Instead of hiding behind some wimpy program wearing shoes too big for its feet and putting up its tiny dukes as if it isn’t the laughing stock of all my computer programs.
And no, I don’t really know what that means either.
Ah, the pleasures of owning a PC.
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