Tag Archives: family

Close your eyes and make a wish

I don’t know why I titled my post this way.

Mostly because I was too busy trying to dictate “hm what should I write, what would look best to any agents that may peruse my blog in order to determine my worthiness”

Eh, how about honesty.

So I said to myself “just close your eyes and… make a wish!” I meant to say “write” but oh well.

Ok, I’ll do that. No I won’t. I’m done wishing. I’m here to DO, now, and what I do is write, and massage, and live, and try to love others the best I can, and I act, and I do improvisational comedy, and what is one of the number one rules of improv?

Just jump out there and fucking do it. Just fucking SAY it. What are you doing? Fucking SAY it! Tell the audience where you are, what you’re doing, who you and your partner are to each other. Don’t leave us guessing, don’t make us wonder. Just fucking SAY IT. (In the words of our artistic director).

That’s a wonderful approach to life itself, and all the relationship paradigms within our realities. Just fucking say it. I took that approach recently with someone I am very close with and felt myself losing them. Time will tell. But it feels good to just fucking SAY IT.

We’ve been ruined by sitcom-culture. Short attention spans, unwitty humor, only follow small plot lines, won’t get to the point, pussyfoot around the tough parts, always expect a pleasant outcome but never make the effort to get there, and if it lasts more than 22 minutes we’re done with it.

It ruins relationships, because it gives us unrealistic expectations. Boy always gets the girl, siblings always fight, best friends always stay best friends (unless the plot makes them better enemies), parents always argue, lovers never argue or always get over their argument quickly (within 22 minutes, in fact).

It gives people unrealistic expectations of their fellow humans here on earth. It makes people lump together “good advice” as to how things “Are” or “should be” and pass it around social media like a fucking virus. None more so than in the relationship category.

“If things are meant to be, they’ll find a way”

“If someone really wants to spend time with you, they’ll make time, no matter how busy they are”

“A real man/woman will never break your heart”

There are so many more, but the fact is, all this good-intentioned “advice” is PURELY EGOTISTICAL.

It is the advice of one person who lost out on what they thought something SHOULD BE, and decided to tell others that if theirs WASN’T what it SHOULD BE, it wasn’t meant to be at all.

So if he doesn’t spend a lot of time with me and he’s very busy and his awkward self sometimes says things he doesn’t realize hurts my feelings and rarely texts back means, according to typical relationship advice (that I avoid at all costs) that he doesn’t love me, doesn’t care about me, nothing is real, it won’t grow, it’s not meant to be. Because if it was, he wouldn’t say hurtful things, he wouldn’t work, he’d spend all his time and money on me, and it’ll happen magically with little to no effort on anyone’s parts.

Get out of that fantasy.

Real relationships of ANY paradigm take some work. Mostly they take honesty and compromise, that I’ve noticed. Be honest with how you feel. You may think “he doesn’t spend enough time with me, he must not like me” but have you actually SAID IT? “I don’t feel like we spend enough time together, it makes me insecure about how you feel about me.” Guess what is possible, even though we rarely see it anywhere BUT a sitcom (which doesn’t do the talking for us, you know.) IT’S POSSIBLE TO TALK THINGS OUT. And even come to an even more satisfying conclusion than if the conclusion you were looking for was storybook perfection. Because the downfalls in all relationships always build depth, so that the good sides can have much more meaning than if the bad had never happened.

And sometimes there are deeper issues causing problems that typical relationship advice does not take into consideration (because relationships can never be uncomfortable, and deeper issues are uncomfortable).

All anyone WANTS to hear is, “if it doesn’t feel perfect, it’s not meant to be”

So we search all our lives looking for the one that makes us feel “perfect”, and since there IS NO SUCH THING in the reality of our human egos, to feel “perfection” it gives us the perfect excuse to avoid working out actual problems.

And when we do find what we perceive to be “perfection” quickly falls apart when our idealizations of one another give way to imperfection and we can’t handle it.

You know what a real relationship is?

Two entirely flawed people making it work.

You put in the effort you wish to receive from the relationship, and you make it work. Sometimes, especially in the beginning or the beginning of a necessary change, this effort is one-sided. If it’s meant to be… You’ll keep on trying.

Fate or destiny or whatever, may be what gives us the opportunity. But we need to take that opportunity and utilize it, fate won’t do the hard work for us. This isn’t sitcom, this isn’t movies. Things CAN “just happen” but then it’s up to you to keep it going, determine whether it is good for you, whether you are ready to put in that work or the time isn’t right, just keep on moving, or go for it. Relationships don’t come with instructions. The simple thing to remember is, all you can do is what’s best for you. And sometimes what’s best, is putting forth the work in order not to lose the best thing that ever happened to you. Because even though every moment may not be perfect, and in fact, as of late, most moments have been worse than the last, you still recognize its purpose in your life. It just opens another opportunity in healing.

If it feels entirely wrong, then walk away.

The fact that neither has, to me, says something big.

The bigger truth is, sometimes it just takes faith. Effort and faith. I like that. Then you’ll find things starting to get easier and flow more smoothly.

Don’t be afraid to look or sound like an idiot and just fucking say what you mean.

Nobody’s perfect. I sound like an idiot all the time.

Now I do it with complete honesty.


There, I’ve had my say.

Even I didn’t know this was so bottled up inside of me until I started writing this post. Dude.


Have a beautiful day,



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Courage, Self-Sacrifice, and Old Vampire Dudes

So, they’ve changed the layout of the new blog post page. I’m not too good with change. Either because I’m a creature of routine (which, I imagine most people are) or I am wayyy too opinionated about things and am under the false belief that I should not express those opinions out loud. Because I tend to get in trouble when I do.

So, I had a few things on my mind I would like to share. Don’t worry, none of it is political. Just writing.

When my amazing ten year old niece asks “why would you make your main character a really old vampire dude?” I wish to say (but do not), “because he is a really HOT old vampire dude” (She is as yet not allowed to read my series. It’s not child appropriate, but I have told her a bit about my characters) And her question sparks my curiosity. Why IS my main character an “old vampire dude”? Surely it has more to do with just his hot half Italian half Spanish looks and suave hair and his tough soldier attitude with a loving and caring mentality toward his family, his self-sacrificing ideologies when it comes to protecting those he loves and his followers and his dedication for that of which he stands up for and believes in.

But possibly because he has no qualms about SPEAKING UP for what he believes in, and making it quite clear what he stands for.

I believe that my main character is somewhat a portrayal of what I WANT to be more than what I AM, as some theorize their characters tend to be “who they are” in a way. (And to make this clear, I would not like to be a tall Italian/Spanish “old vampire dude” regardless of how hot I find him to be. Maybe I would like to HAVE one, but not BE one) but the attitude he possesses is one of which I wish I could portray within myself, and portray to the world. I want to be able to, and be in a position, of which I can speak my mind. Hell, he’ll speak his mind whether appropriate for his position or not. However, in book one he happens to be king of his own royal line and commander of his own army that protects those in the “underworld” (vampires, sorcerers, werewolves, etc.) from an infamous enemy of centuries of cruel and brutal ways. So that’s not really an issue. He’s supposed to speak his mind.

This is a hard concept to explain to a ten year old, but I kind of wish I’d tried. It took me some time to realize this myself.

Why I made him a “he”, I’m not sure, except his female counterpart (just as self-sacrificing and strong as he) was killed by their enemy in the ultimate self-sacrifice for her people and her family of which sparked the whole series. Why I made him a vampire was unquestionable (he needed to live a really long time) and why I made him my main character- I’m not sure. The very first draft written back in the end of 1999, the original main character was a young 22-year-old female (who ends up being an off-and-on main character throughout the series) who sees visions. However, the book sort of chugged along until my main character was thought up, and he just seemed… right. He had connections through the whole book and the whole series and he was what kind of made the series.

It’s truly my belief that female writers favoring female characters, and male writers favoring male characters is a total myth. Sure, I bet there are plenty of female writers that “feel” (most likely are TOLD) that their characters HAVE to be female to be believable. Or that men tend to write their female characters too manly (also a myth)- but it’s not true. Someone who is true to themselves, and true to their characters can develop those characters of which are closest to them and remarkable to their readers no matter the gender or type of person that character is.

It’s all about personal strengths and weaknesses, in my opinion. If you use your strengths to the best of your abilities, and work on your weaknesses to further your potential, you can go whatever route and succeed. Hell, you can apply that logic to life as well as writing (or anything else).

I will admit I have an obsession with soldiers, family, children and vampires. And that I’ve grown to love my werewolves though they aren’t soldiers, their family dynamics are different than what I’m used to writing and their ideologies on life are quite different from those of my vampires/humans in a way of which they are more primal. Perhaps why I like them. One of my main obsessions also happens to be the primal nature of a human being and that is kind of what they represent.

I have epic battles in my stories, though I am opposed to needless violence. There’s always meaning behind the violence in my stories (defending themselves against the enemy, the primal nature of the werewolves, those of whom are protecting their families, enemies in this type of genre tend to have to be violent in certain ways in order for the good characters to progress and learn and become better for learning to defend themselves and their people, etc.) A lot of my characters are soldiers because 1. My series revolves around an army that protects “underworld” characters mentioned above, not just from said enemy but from other threats such as “real-world mortals”. 2. Because to me, a true soldier is self-sacrificing and brave, putting themselves on the line for the protection of others. Do not read anything political into this. I feel the same way about EMTs, some forms of healthcare (such as trauma surgeons, nurses in certain fields, people willing to put themselves in danger for the better of others) And I have plenty of healers and medics in my stories that do just that. I’m addicted to the idea of courage and self-sacrifice.

I have an obsession to family because I believe that there’s nothing more important in life than family (whether blood-relations, non-blood relations, close friends or those adopted into your life in such a way they become family) and nothing is as strong of a motivator as one’s love for their family.

I’m obsessed with children because, as my favorite Werewolf Alpha Female, whose species is borderline extinct, says, “children are a means to existence”. Without children, our species would not continue, so we better have them and treat them right. My series would not continue the way it does unless my characters had children, it’s just that simple. I switch perspectives, I switch characters to keep the flow going, and if I didn’t develop new ones once and awhile, the whole story would fall stagnant. That, and I just love children and always have.

And my obsession with vampires lies with two things- I just think they’re awesome, and I needed some way that my characters could be immortal, and still humanistic. My soldier vampires know that they’re “mortal” in the sense that they’re putting their lives on the line for others, and their jobs call for them to do so. But I still needed them to be able to live forever if I wanted them to. I can’t stand losing characters, though I will if I have to for the good of the story (such as the female character’s self-sacrificing murder to begin the series plot.)

AND, last but not least, I’m addicted to the idea of courage and self-sacrifice because I do not believe there is enough of that in this world. I believe if more people would work for the good of others, there wouldn’t be so much needless violence. I also believe that most people have courage within themselves, but possibly just don’t know it, and I hope that my characters inspire those people to find that courage within themselves and use it to better themselves. The more I write, the more I learn about courage, and I’m learning that I have more of it than I originally thought. I think most do, too.

So that’s all for tonight. Thanks 🙂


P.S. WordPress, I hate this new setup. Please change it back 🙂


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