Tag Archives: love

Been awhile, hasn’t it?

Hello friends!

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I wanted to give a quick word for my new facebook project Romance Eternal, a page dedicated to lovers of romance and eternal love. It’s Love Language week!

Hope everyone is having a beautiful day!

Stacey

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“To survive, you must tell stories.”

-Umberto Eco

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cover    For more information on my published novels, click here!

 

thevillagepoetpress  Visit The Village Poet Press

 

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Oh me, oh my- My year in pictures.

BLOGDecember12

BLOGJanuary

HeartBLOGFebruary

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BLOGApril

BLOGMay

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Heart

BLOgSeptember

BLOGOctober

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BLOGNOvember

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“To survive, you must tell stories.”

-Umberto Eco

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cover    For more information on my published novels, click here!

thevillagepoetpress  Visit The Village Poet Press

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Love and Other Crazy Stuff

“Open up your mind and see like me, open up your plans and damn you’re free, look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love. Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing, we’re just one big family, and it’s our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved, loved. -Jason Mraz ‘I’m Yours’ “

Today I made a playlist of songs that make me smile. I couldn’t really say why, except I smiled once today and I wanted to try it again. So I made a list of songs to smile to, and found myself singing them all. I’m having difficulties continuing because my topic today is a tricky one. Love.

“I’m on the edge of glory, and I’m hanging on a moment of truth. I’m on the edge of glory, and I’m hanging on a moment with you. I’m on the edge with you. – Lady Gaga ‘Edge of Glory’ “

I wish love was as easy as it is in stories. Even stories I write. Usually my characters are in some kind of bitter sweet relationship, but once in awhile soulmates come together. Sometimes love is lost. Sometimes love is gained. Sometimes love is unexpected. It’s so much easier to read about or write about than it is to live it.

“So I sneak out to the garden to see you, we keep quiet ’cause we’re dead if he knew, so close your eyes, escape this town for a little while. Cause you were Romeo I was a scarlet letter and my daddy said stay away from Juliet, but you were everything to me I was begging you please don’t go- Taylor Swift ‘Love Story’ “

We all know love songs are (usually) bred from experience, bred from passion, bred from pain and loss and triumph and the hardships that are relationships and the lessons we learn from them. But even they make it seem easy. Four minutes of ‘Love Story’ singing at the top of my lungs makes me feel like a princess but when the song is over, I’m confused again.

“I can’t find, oh the right romantic line. See me once, and see the way I feel. Don’t discard me just because you think I mean you harm. But these cuts I have, they need love to help them heal.- Elton John ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’ “

It’s probably obvious to some that I am better with sex than I am that ridiculous ‘L’ word. And oh, I can’t blame past relationships, I can’t blame what I’ve been through before, because if I learned my lessons from those than I wouldn’t be continuously confused with every relationship I enter. I could blame that everybody tells me something different about relationships and gives me different advice, and many people want me to be in a relationship so badly they assume I am in a relationship with every person I meet. But that’s allowing others in my head where only I should be.

“Take me now, baby here as I am. Hold me close, try and understand. Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe. Love is a banquet from which we feed. Come on now try and understand. The way I feel when I’m in your hand. Take my hand come under cover, they can’t hurt you now, can’t hurt you now, can’t hurt you now. -Patti Smith ‘Because The Night’ “

And oh, I’ve had those relationships (haven’t we all?) The kind where you step back, a little more mature, a little wiser, a little worse-for-wear and ponder, “What the hell was I thinking??”

“I want your drama, the touch of your hand, I want your leather studded kiss in the sand. I want your love. Love love love I want your love. You know that I want you. You know that I need you. I want your bad romance. I want your lovin and I want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance-Lady Gaga ‘Bad Romance’ “

Because I’m a free bitch, baby.

But the continuance of these situations have me wondering… Is it circumstance, or is it me? I’m not great with affection at the best of times, but I’m working on it. I like to think I make it fairly clear when I really like somebody, or really love somebody, I make sure the people in my life know I care for them the best I can. But when it comes to relationships…

“They call me cowboy, I’m the singer in black, throw your middle finger in the air let me see where you’re-“

Oops, I forgot I’m playing love songs to write this blog. Not Kid Rock. Funny. Last year I rented a car, drove five hours (ok so I took the long route) to another city in another state, stayed the night at a very expensive cheap hotel, got lost the next morning looking for the testing center to take my NCBTMB for Massage Therapy Licensing (which was across the street from my hotel as it turns out) passed the fucking thing, then got in my car and drove home. Five hours of feeling so good I listened to “American Bad Ass” the entire time, and not just to stay awake. (Leave at 8am, errands until 11am [last minute shit I forgot to do beforehand], get to your destination at 4pm, find hotel and settle in by 6pm, drive around looking for testing center to no avail until 8pm, keyed up stay awake until 5am, get to testing center by 8am, start drive home by 10am, NOT SMART. I took a nap at a gas station LOL.)

“Just tell me how I got this far. Just tell my why you’re here and who you are. Cause every time I look you’re never there. And every time I sleep you’re always there. Cause you’re everywhere to me, when I close my eyes it’s you I see. And everything I know that makes me believe, I’m not alone. I’m not alone. – Michelle Branch ‘Everywhere’ “

It’s not that I’m not a passionate person. Indeed, the exact opposite. I feel passion for so many things it’s hard to express, and it’s even harder to express to another person. I’m also big on the something-looks-one-way-but-is-actually-another. In case you haven’t realized, these songs aren’t entirely about love. I don’t believe in the kind of love you find in fairy tales. I believe in the kind of love a person feels for another, the kind of love a person should feel for themselves- gratitude, thankful to be alive, passion and pure positivity, the willingness to forgive and live with one another’s flaws. Everything and everyone is flawed in their own beautiful ways because we’re all different. Love isn’t thinking you found the perfect person (and if you think that, fuck them [literally], you’ll find otherwise because that’s when shit gets real.) Love is accepting people AS THEY ARE.

Love is not pressure. Love is not negativity. Love is not trying to change each other. Love is not for pretends. Love is not settling or submitting or putting on your mask. I meet too many people who want me to wear a mask, because they can’t handle seeing in me what they don’t want to see in themselves.

Flaws.

I don’t fall for masks. I try my damndest not to pretend. I’m honest. Some people hate that (some people don’t.) Ok.

Don’t try to change me.

Don’t try to change my mind.

Love isn’t about being the one perfect person to whom your mate melts for and loses all boundaries and drops all borders and climbs all bounds and suddenly their walls crumble and they spill all their secrets then you get married and have tons of babies.

Not my kind of love. And don’t expect that of me.

“Mile upon mile got no direction, we’re all playing the same game. We’re all looking for redemption, just afraid to say the name. So caught up now in pretending, what we’re seeking is the truth. I’m just looking for a happy ending. All I’m looking for is you. -Pat Green ‘Wave On Wave’ “

Love is equality. Love is faith. Love is hope. Love is freedom to express yourself (or not) as desired. Love is beauty in its richest form. Love is respect. Don’t get me wrong, you can create a sacred bond with somebody, and love somebody, but I’m beginning to think ‘Love’ has nothing to do with ‘Relationships’.

“I’m sinking slowly, so hurry hold me, your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on. Please can you tell me, so I can finally see, where you go when you’re gone. If you want to, I can save you, I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares.- Michelle Branch ‘All You Wanted’ “

I’m not bad with love. I’m bad with relationships (history may suggest.) Or maybe I am just not attracting the kind of people who want relationships. Or maybe I’m attracting the type just like me, who don’t know how to be in a relationship. Maybe I’m attracting those still stinging from previous wounds, as I am. Battle weary and lonely.

And I know I am approaching this all wrong.

A lesson I have not yet learned.

What I have learned is that trying to take Love and build a relationship from it doesn’t always work the way you planned. And that makes me wary. I can build friendships, connections with people, I can and do adore people and feel emotion for them and bonds so strong I think we must have known one another up in the cosmos before coming to Earth.

Or maybe I just go from ‘Hey, want to get some coffee sometime?’ to ‘Oh baby that was great’ too quickly.

Maybe the trick is to find somebody you like and build a relationship that will some day turn into love.

Or maybe it’s true. I’m still hurting too much.

And I can’t expect others to understand. This is my burden. I must handle it my own way. My mistake is expecting others to help. This is my path to take, my lesson to learn, and I plan to do so.

“Have I doubt, when I’m alone? Love is a ring, the telephone. Love is an angel disguised as ‘lust’. Here in our bed until the morning comes. Come on now try and understand, the way I feel under your command.  Take my hand as the sun descends. They can’t touch you now, can’t touch you now, can’t touch you now.- Patti Smith ‘Because The Night’ “

Now, back to the songs that make me smile.

“I been spendin’ way too long checking my tongue in the mirror, and bending over backwards just to try and see it clearer, but my breath fogged up the glass, so I drew a new face and I laughed. I guess what I be singing is there ain’t no better reason, to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons, it’s what we aim to do, our name is our virtue. -Jason Mraz ‘I’m Yours’ “

Stacey Katheryn

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“To survive, you must tell stories.”

-Umberto Eco

*********************************************************************

cover    For more information on my published novels, click here!

thevillagepoetpress  Visit The Village Poet Press (My publishing company)

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Is this the real life, is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality….

(Ten pretend dollars to anyone who can guess that epic jam.)

Anyway, you’ll all be happy to discover I updated my About page, lol. *cough cough* it was a wee bit outdated… I put up that new widget (Top Posts and Pages) that tells me the most often viewed pages, and one of them was the About page, and I got to thinking… Huh, if a lot of people are reading it, I should probably know what it says….

Hehe, anyway. So that’s that.

I am attempting…. somehow…. to figure out how to write a decent love relationship. I’ve sort of noticed that any real relationships my characters have either ends in one vicious way or another, or I get bored and move on. Some say that having a guy who had a perfect relationship with a woman who gets brutally murdered and then he spends the rest of his life still in love with her and missing her (because they were soul mates) doesn’t count. Am I that unromantic?

Don’t answer that. Please.

Anyway, also, I realized something exciting!!

Besides that the song on my IPOD is SKIPPING…… HOW does an ipod skip?? Brings me back to the good old days when all you had to do was smack your CD player and it stops skipping… that approach does not work with an ipod… crazy…. wow, I digress badly. Maybe I should ask my two year old niece to fix it, she’s the one that showed me how to use it (kids and technology!!)

Oh yes, the exciting thing! I get to create TWO NEW CHARACTERS!!! One to come in book 5, one to come in book, well, I haven’t decided! I seem to think I need to introduce him in book 5 or 6, even though his main story won’t be told until 11. Haven’t decided yet.

And, since it is now April 9th, and there is a freakin’ BLIZZARD outside, and am unable to drive, go anywhere or do anything, I have a TON of time to write today, yay!

Gosh, this post is kind of leading me nowhere.  Here’s a hint about the jam, probably more confusing if you haven’t already guessed the song.

poeboy

Yes, I feel like being a little ridiculous. I wrote some new scenes for book 11,  a short story that comes between books 5 and 6, and have yet to figure out how to start book 4 (rest assured, it is finished. The ending came out rather fantastic if you ask me.) Though there is one scene I’m adding that I think I can work on…. maybe….

Anywhere the wind blows….

Ok, I think I’m off to go finish this scene. Ta-ta!

Tell me if you’ve guessed the song.

Stacey

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Dear Future Self.

silencethemind

 

Dear Future Self,

I am writing from the present on behalf of both Me and Past Self. I want to tell you that we have survived the past so far, and anything I feel now, by the time you read this, Future Self, you will realize that the effort we are expending needlessly in worry and self-pity are just expressions of a lesser way to view our plight. You will survive. You are a survivor. And by now, you have realized the pure truth of the matter- No matter what,   you will always have it within yourself, an innate ability to heal yourself, to focus on positivity and healing, create the health and peace we crave by controlling the more primitive part of your brain that has been conditioned to worry about issues out of your control. Know that I love you, I think you have done the best you can until now, and I have faith in you that you will continue to better yourself, improve your life and let go of the past. We don’t need it anymore.

Also, Future Self, please be aware that I have located my bottle of organic vodka, and may have a little fun tonight.

Sincerely,

Present Self.

 

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And We’ve Been Poisoned By These Fairy Tales

I guess I’m feeling a little melancholy (or more so just reminiscent), wondering what happened between the summer of 1989 and March of 2013 to bring me where I am today. To elaborate, a fond memory taking place in the late summer of 1989  is one of my clearest and most treasured childhood memories, a moment that brings me peace whenever I think of it. The mind of a four year old is an innately innocent thing.

I think of how often we’re lied to as children, in adults’ well-meaning but poor attempts at preserving our innocence.  Fairy tales and Santa Claus, promises made and never kept.

I could go into this topic in more depth, but I really don’t want to. We all have childhood memories we would rather not have ever experienced. We all have times in our lives that make us wonder what-the-fuck-just-happened, and more importantly WHY.

The important thing is to remember that your past does not define you. It can only make you stronger if you let it.

Your future is your choice.

I suppose I got a little too involved in a scene I am writing, or perhaps I’m just sorting through my own mental shit to get out what I’m trying to portray. Out of all the emotional scenes I’ve ever written in my lifetime, this is proving hardest. I’m not sure why.  Probably because I’m still young enough to relate to the emotions of the man in this scene, trying to overcome a childhood of “WHY”, why did this have to happen, why did I miss out on this, where did it all go wrong?

And how can I recover now?

Don Henley said it perfect when he sang, “And we’ve been poisoned by these fairy tales”

I guess there’s only one thing left to do. Accept that this is the end of the innocence, childhood is over, it’s time to relish in being an adult, it’s time to change my mind and change my life and accept that though the future in front of me is scary and far beyond my comfort zone- that doesn’t make it a bad thing.

It just means I need to find that peace inside of me again, the same peace I felt in 1989.

And know that everything is going to be ok.

Stacey

P.S. I’m on to part two of chapter one in Destroyed, my third novel in my series, in case you’re unaware. Read it here, and tell me what you think! I’m almost finished with the ending, soon to be published on March 31st, 2013. It’s coming along well 🙂

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Luckily, dogs don’t judge you when you’re tipsy

Ah, the title of this blog. You may be wondering.

Luckily, I’m not really tipsy, but I did go out drinking with friends and guess what- that was a first for me. No, I’m not calling my friends dogs, I’m referring to the moment I got home all my puppies did was jump on me and ask me for treats, lol. If only they knew.

I’ve never done that before. Never had a girls night out, that is.

What?? You may be wondering.

It’s true.

I found it a rather odd experience, perhaps the natural introvert in me, or the fact that I’ve been fucked over by friends so often that I could only imagine having true friendships with these girls will go terribly wrong (I know, wrong mindset. I’m terrible.) But I couldn’t help but keep thinking… Hm, I should blog about this.

Honestly, one of the things I love to do most in this world is talk to perfect strangers. Smile at them. Say hi. Get to know their likes and dislikes. But when it gets to true friendship- I’m at a loss. I’m nervous, scared even. I can talk to a perfect stranger and have the greatest time- talking to somebody really becoming my friend is unknown. Suddenly, I clam up, I sweat, I sound like an idiot, I don’t know what to say.

And girls. I don’t know how to be friends with girls. I’ve always been a tom-boy who wears the occasional dress and makeup, knows how to be a girl but doesn’t know how to act like a girl. Not modern day girl, anyway.

Boys, exes, clothes, shopping…. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

But the most intriguing part was seeing first hand the mating rituals of the human species, from the female side of it. See, I’ve had plenty of male friends and know how they view the female variation. I’ve never seen it from the female protrayal of the same mating game.

Essentially, the same thing.

Out with a single friend and a dating friend. Single friend looking for some love. Meets the eyes of someone across the room as we walk in. How can he tell she’s single? How can she tell he is? It’s amazing. Maybe it’s a scent we exude, the way we walk, the way we talk, the way we strut ourselves and position our bodies. The subtlty of it all. How the subconscious picks up on these cues so damn fast.

It’s amazing, and something I’m going to have to ponder for awhile. It really is rather an amazing thing.

But congratulate me, for I now finally have true proof that I am a real girl. I went shopping and had drinks with them, lol. Yay! It was fun. Glad to make new friends and get to know others better.

Of course, this is my second slightly alcohol-fueled night this week.  I better lay off the booze and get water next time. Yes, I think there will be a next time. I think I can get used to this “social life” thing. Whoever thought I would have such a thing?

Stacey

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When Change Calls- Pick Up The Phone!

oldtelephone1

 

I am having a difficult time writing, and it may not be what you expect. For once, I’ve been able to work on book 3 without a hitch all day yesterday.

I’m having a difficult time writing because there’s a dog in my lap.

myjezzieblog1Something interesting has happened.

Ok I’m tempted to make another photo blog but damnit, I just don’t have that kind of time.  Mostly because I spent all of it reading old blogs and realizing I was a much better blog writer way-back-when than I am now. Well that may not be so, but here’s what made me come to that conclusion: I don’t blog nearly as often as I used to.

And right now, I’m kind of feeling a little shabby so I don’t have the energy to really get in there and think.

So far, since waking up too early, I’ve done only a few things. Most of which included letting my dog in and out of my room as she struggles with her indecision whether to stay or to go, and touring through old blogs of mine making additions, or just reading for fun. It began when I went looking for an old post with pictures of my dog for this blog, since I switched computers I couldn’t find these pics on them. Here’s the post I’m talking about: The Jealousy Between Small Pets and Your Keyboard. 

The other one I found myself both taken with and taken aback by and had to add an addition to, was this: This Post is So Random! And Somewhat Sexy…

Ah yes, back to the present. I decided to write about change and spent the last hour reading past blogs. How ironic.

Maybe I just need the right song.

Ok, I’m going to get back on topic, because this blog is neither entertaining or fun. And if it’s not seriously, which was its original intention, I would at least like someone to finish reading it.

Something interesting has happened.

No sooner have I written a blog about being a spinster (or viewed as one) that I have a date with someone I text with every night. Uh-oh, I just gave everyone gossip. It’s ok. But I can guarantee this isn’t like my ex fuck-buddy- I mean, boyfriend?? (The question marks are there because I still to this day haven’t a clue what exactly that was, even though he still shows up at the store). Whereas I make no assumptions about whatever this new thing happens to be, I am calm, I am attentive, I am comfortable. Is it, isn’t it- it doesn’t matter. It will be what it’s meant to be, patience is a virtue best understood with… patience 🙂

Ah, so anyway…

The reason this blog is titled as it is, is because this isn’t the only change going on in my life. And part of me has been fighting it. I ignored my phone yesterday. And fucked myself over about a hundred times doing so. I forgot to make an important phone call, and missed one even more important. I haven’t even checked my messages. Is that not depraved for a woman about to begin her own business?

I keep telling myself “I’ll do it when I’m ready”. Well guess what, I’m ready. I know it doesn’t sound like it, but it’s true. I just need to continue shaking some issues off. It’s been a long few months in which a lot of beautiful things happened and a lot of awful things happened. A lot of changes happened and not all of them good, and some of them more blessed than I could ever have imagined. I have yet to really register a single one of them, so really… can anyone blame me for wanting to hide once and awhile?

I am conducting a social experiment. What does that entail? Accepting those who want to be my friend. I have been fucked over by friends in my life to extremes I don’t care to speak of, and something occurred to me just the other day. What the previous people have done in my life has NOTHING to do with the current people in my life.  When one asks if I want to go shopping with her- Why say no?? ( I didn’t, I’m going some time today). But it did take three weeks for me to ask if she wanted to hang out again. I’ve said no twice to someone who wanted to hang out.  I nearly canceled my date. So on and so forth. I began to realize, out of everything that’s happened: I was becoming the bad friend. The one not to rely on. The one who forgets to go online when she said she was going to be on to chat. The one who doesn’t return messages, doesn’t answer calls… I feel terrible. I’m going to change that. But its none-too-easy.

I trust those in my life now (well, most.) The thought keeps popping in my head “well I trusted the others, too” Then I need to take into consideration that my skills of being able to see people as they are and not be oblivious to what may go wrong are much more fine tuned. I can watch my back without being paranoid.  I am more mature. I can trust my personal judgment better.

Still, I’m having a hard time because some of the biggest changes of my life are coming up, and I don’t want to be alone when they do, yet I’ve been alone for so long, it’s now my comfort zone.

In school our motto during the less-than-enlightening business course was “Get comfortable being uncomfortable”

Usually I’ve always abided (abode? I like abided better) by that. That’s why I make decisions in my life based on the “close your eyes and jump” theory. Had I not lived my life this way, I never would have went to school, I never would have gone to CNA training, I never would have climbed ranks in most jobs I’ve had, I never would have worked honestly toward my goals. You know, etc. I never would have gotten to the point where my life is so full of choices that I have no choice but to choose one and change and I just want to run from it all.

I just want to find a choice that’s easy. But you know what, it doesn’t work like that, and I know it. So why am I having this crisis, why am I going through this, this… thing? Whatever it is? Is this my way of slowly coming to grips with the fact that everything that’s eluded me (relationships, career paths worth the effort I put into everything,real  friendship) is now facing me head on and I wasn’t expecting it, even though I’ve not only been wanting it, but asking for it?

Nobody deals well with change. Particularly me and I am somewhat known for that. I threw a fit when my seat in school was changed. Yes, a fit. For about a week straight and occassionally for the next month did I mention it.

This is a hell of a lot of change for one person to handle alone. Possibly the reason so many opportunities to get close to other people are opening up to me. I cannot, I repeat, cannot ignore them. Without being daft and a generally bad person, anyway.

Don’t get me wrong. Out of everyone I know, I’m probably one of the most firm believers in the human condition (that we’re not meant to be alone) than a lot.

As I said, I am so used to being alone and knowing people in my past that it was PREFERABLE to be alone, that I no longer know what it’s like to trust. And I am terrified of letting that get in the way of friendships and relationships.

I realize this blog has turned into a therapy session/diary entry, but it’s needed. For me, and maybe for someone out there who can relate.

Just because change is scary doesn’t mean you need to run from it.

Accept that lunch invitation. Go on that date. Don’t run from a miserable job without understanding why you want to run, and THEN make your decision. I discovered that my problems with my job were improved once I got the guts to have a personal face-to-face discussion with my boss. The issues were not entirely fixed, but a compromise was struck and it’ll do me until I get my license (paperwork went out two days ago, yay!)

Just repeat after me:

I am strong enough to face the challenges in my life, to accept these changes without fear, and become the person I want to be. Become the person I already AM. Strong. Courageous. Caring. Loving. Healthy, Brave. I open my arms to change, I open my heart to those around me, I open my mind to the opportunities that will arise for me once I realize the pure solid truth: I am me, and there is no better person for me to be.

So when change comes calling: Pick it up, it may just be that opportunity you’re looking for. Don’t give that up for anything. Misery and loneliness, no matter how comfortable, are not the best way to live.

Stacey

 

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The Twenty Eight Year Old Spinster

There is something stuck in my craw. And I mean REALLY stuck. I can’t dig it out, I’ve tried, so I decided to write about it. Maybe somebody will find some morbid sense of inspiration in it. It’s about career-oriented individuals. With a twist.

There has been an irritatingly common attitude I’ve had to battle for about, oh, ten years now. I realize I should not let it get to me, but it has. Right now, given the horrific day I’ve had, it seems as though the only remedy to not letting things upset me, that I should be able to shrug off and can’t, is to write about it.

What is a career-oriented individual? Somebody who has put all their focus in life into their careers.

The antagonist (by that I simply mean opposite): A family-oriented individual. Somebody who puts all their focus in life into beginning and taking care of their families.

A true mother at heart, though without any living children, I will tell you exactly why I am the former of the two choices. And what kind of shit I get for it.

I’ll start with the shit.

I am a single twenty eight year old woman with no children and nil prospects. I spend my “off time” at my computer, sometimes in pajamas.I drink coffee, I stay up late, I sometimes get up late. I am often treated as irresponsible, unconventional, lazy, uncaring, messy.

Here’s the What’s What and the Why’s Why.

Sometimes perception only goes as far as the mind allows. To see someone at their computer for “hours” or someone who gets up later than you do or somebody who stays in their pajamas all day long sometimes, I may think “lazy” (actually, I wouldn’t) but some people may.

Those people may not take into consideration that I stayed late at work the night before, crawling on top of ten-foot coolers and freezers, moving around boxes of paperwork, climbing up and down ladders, cleaning the whole building, spending a substantial amount of time IN the freezer restocking breads and meats, hauling tons to trash bags and even a fake Christmas tree to the dump.

I’ve been in a multitude of jobs/career potentials. Massage therapist student, CNA, Business owner, a multitude of management positions, I’ve been responsible for the virtues of whole businesses as well as actual human lives. I’ve assisted in resuscitations, I’ve worked 16-20 hour shifts, I’ve been involved in emergency life-and-death situations, some of which my own decisions were the key factor to ending said situations pleasantly. I’ve changed and toileted 65 full grown adults 2-3 times a night, all inflicted with Alzheimers, in between juggling feeding and charting and bandaging and doing full bed changes and baths and running up and down halls 8-12 hours straight night after night, while short staffed and working well past the end of my shift.

I’ve been responsible for business decisions that would affect the whole store, the whole company. I’ve had franchise-wide reputation for being a damn good manager and the one to go to in case problems were to arise- and I wasn’t officially the store manager. But I was given the responsibility of such (not the pay of course). I worked an average of 14-16 hour shifts, 11-15 days in a row at this particular job.

I’ve held multiple jobs. I had two jobs while being a full time student. I worked two jobs while training to become a CNA. While training to become a medication assistant. I worked mega-long shifts in acute care pediatrics- and let me tell you, it’s not easy. I’ve been the sole person responsible for the lives of those I’ve taken care of, infant to a hundred and one, in a number of terrible situations, some of which I’ll never repeat, and not just for ethical reasons.

Not to mention 90% of the time I’m at my computer, I am writing, which, believe you me, is a whole other career, especially now that I am published.

SO….

It should be fairly understandable why I take offense in people assuming I am lazy or irresponsible to the point they insinuate I’m not responsible enough to care for their children, ask my why I’m single, tell me “you’ll understand when you’re a parent” when I become concerned that they are so tired and worn out. I’ll understand when I’m a parent?

Try being responsible for 65 people completely out of their mind with brain-degenerative diseases entirely on your own.

If I choose to relax on my “off time” in my pajamas at my computer, working on my stories, then for fuck’s sake that’s what I’m going to do. Because in most cases, I’m tired, I’m sore, I’m frustrated, I’ve only had two hours of sleep thus the reason I’ve “slept in”, and if I want to escape the holier-than-thou attitude of some people I know by staying indoors in my pajamas, I’m going to do it.

Just because I haven’t yet found somebody to treat me well enough to begin a family with, I’m approaching my thirties without a load full of little ones clinging to me, doesn’t make me irresponsible. It doesn’t make me lazy, or childish.

It’s somewhat cute when someone’s young child asks, “Why are you still single?” or “Why don’t you have any kids?” (Because believe me, I’ve gotten this question a lot from a lot of children I know in my life)

But when you consider the fact that they’re only asking because they’ve overheard someone talking about you behind your back  and are the only ones with the guts to ask these questions to your face, that sort of changes that.

I’m a mother at heart. I’ve always wanted children. And I’ll get there. But I’m not going to throw myself at the mercy of the first man willing to lie to my face to get sex and pretend to be interested in having a family or interested in what I’m interested in or pretending to share the same dreams, just for the aforementioned sex, because if I was that type of girl I would have done so long ago. I nearly have. Luckily, I caught my mistakes on time and wisened up. Another reason I’m glad I didn’t start young.

I know it’s cliche to say so, but it holds merit. I’m waiting. Waiting for the right time, for the right guy, for the right moment. But I refuse, I absolutely refuse to waste my life while doing so. If I want to write, publish my novels, work a career or two while I’m at it, keep busy and active and healthy and open to possibility, I’ll do so. Without your judgment and assumptions to make any difference, thank you.

I’ve been asked, What if you wait too long?

I’m only twenty eight, and who the hell are you to judge what exactly “too long” is? I’ve known couples in their sixties and seventies fall in love and marry for the first time. Pay less attention to my life and more attention to yours. I’ll get there when I’m ready. And guess what?

Only I know when that will be.

So, now that I’ve vented, I am going to meditate, relax, maybe have a sip or two of something good and reflect back on the possibilities I do have. There is never nothing there, and never nothing going on. The key is to find all the good you can out of it, and let that positivity open your mind and fill your heart.

Only then can you see a clear path. Have a beautiful day.

Stacey

 

By the way, this post goes pretty well with the one above: CNA’s- we’re awesome and we know it

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The Magic of Fire in the Summertime

On my commute to return from the store in which I frequent as an employee, I drive down a one-way street leading to the mouth of downtown, where all the hustle and bustle of life in this city begins. My left turn is always a pause either for a lengthy red light, or pedestrians. It gives me time to look around.

On my right hand corner is a new restaurant, featuring indoor and outdoor seating. When open, they have flames that spit up in designated areas, in decoration both for a comforting, and tantalizing atmosphere.

On my far left is a very large hotel with a restaurant or something at the very, very top, which also sports decorative flames on all sides  at night.

I drive down this road in the dark quite often. A few times a week. During the summertime, when I see those flames, the hustle and bustle of fun-loving summer nighttime activity of people eating dinners, taking walks, having drinks, visiting shops… You name it. My thought is, every time I see those flames on both sides of me, a view of fiery glory in both corners of my vision- This is magical.

There is, to me, something downright magical about flames and fire in the summertime. How glorious, how beautiful it is that someone has lit a fire to brighten the atmosphere, lighten the mood, create glory and beauty despite the 100 degree weather outdoors. I remember finding myself wondering if those businesses kept their flames during the winter, and I found them so magical now during the summertime in the summer heat, how comforting would I find them then?

Honestly, not nearly as much as I thought I might. It just makes me miss the summer. It makes me miss the warmth, the love, the human companionship and the bustling activity of outdoor summer downtown life.

Yes, there is something to be said for outdoor ice skating and gorgeous Christmas lights and how every inch of downtown is lit up like a Christmas tree in the best time of year. Imagining myself walking down those streets, I feel like I’m living in the Dean Martin version of the song “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas” and the glory of that is something all in its own.

But being outdoors in the summertime, under the summer moon, seeing those flames so bright and lively, making the 100 degree weather worth it…

Well, I guess both scenes are equally magical. I suppose I should consider myself lucky to have such a beautiful commute from work at night and appreciate it no matter what. The Majesty of Christmas is upon us, and soon enough, the Majesty of summertime will once again be here too.

Stacey

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