Tag Archives: relationships

Close your eyes and make a wish

I don’t know why I titled my post this way.

Mostly because I was too busy trying to dictate “hm what should I write, what would look best to any agents that may peruse my blog in order to determine my worthiness”

Eh, how about honesty.

So I said to myself “just close your eyes and… make a wish!” I meant to say “write” but oh well.

Ok, I’ll do that. No I won’t. I’m done wishing. I’m here to DO, now, and what I do is write, and massage, and live, and try to love others the best I can, and I act, and I do improvisational comedy, and what is one of the number one rules of improv?

Just jump out there and fucking do it. Just fucking SAY it. What are you doing? Fucking SAY it! Tell the audience where you are, what you’re doing, who you and your partner are to each other. Don’t leave us guessing, don’t make us wonder. Just fucking SAY IT. (In the words of our artistic director).

That’s a wonderful approach to life itself, and all the relationship paradigms within our realities. Just fucking say it. I took that approach recently with someone I am very close with and felt myself losing them. Time will tell. But it feels good to just fucking SAY IT.

We’ve been ruined by sitcom-culture. Short attention spans, unwitty humor, only follow small plot lines, won’t get to the point, pussyfoot around the tough parts, always expect a pleasant outcome but never make the effort to get there, and if it lasts more than 22 minutes we’re done with it.

It ruins relationships, because it gives us unrealistic expectations. Boy always gets the girl, siblings always fight, best friends always stay best friends (unless the plot makes them better enemies), parents always argue, lovers never argue or always get over their argument quickly (within 22 minutes, in fact).

It gives people unrealistic expectations of their fellow humans here on earth. It makes people lump together “good advice” as to how things “Are” or “should be” and pass it around social media like a fucking virus. None more so than in the relationship category.

“If things are meant to be, they’ll find a way”

“If someone really wants to spend time with you, they’ll make time, no matter how busy they are”

“A real man/woman will never break your heart”

There are so many more, but the fact is, all this good-intentioned “advice” is PURELY EGOTISTICAL.

It is the advice of one person who lost out on what they thought something SHOULD BE, and decided to tell others that if theirs WASN’T what it SHOULD BE, it wasn’t meant to be at all.

So if he doesn’t spend a lot of time with me and he’s very busy and his awkward self sometimes says things he doesn’t realize hurts my feelings and rarely texts back means, according to typical relationship advice (that I avoid at all costs) that he doesn’t love me, doesn’t care about me, nothing is real, it won’t grow, it’s not meant to be. Because if it was, he wouldn’t say hurtful things, he wouldn’t work, he’d spend all his time and money on me, and it’ll happen magically with little to no effort on anyone’s parts.

Get out of that fantasy.

Real relationships of ANY paradigm take some work. Mostly they take honesty and compromise, that I’ve noticed. Be honest with how you feel. You may think “he doesn’t spend enough time with me, he must not like me” but have you actually SAID IT? “I don’t feel like we spend enough time together, it makes me insecure about how you feel about me.” Guess what is possible, even though we rarely see it anywhere BUT a sitcom (which doesn’t do the talking for us, you know.) IT’S POSSIBLE TO TALK THINGS OUT. And even come to an even more satisfying conclusion than if the conclusion you were looking for was storybook perfection. Because the downfalls in all relationships always build depth, so that the good sides can have much more meaning than if the bad had never happened.

And sometimes there are deeper issues causing problems that typical relationship advice does not take into consideration (because relationships can never be uncomfortable, and deeper issues are uncomfortable).

All anyone WANTS to hear is, “if it doesn’t feel perfect, it’s not meant to be”

So we search all our lives looking for the one that makes us feel “perfect”, and since there IS NO SUCH THING in the reality of our human egos, to feel “perfection” it gives us the perfect excuse to avoid working out actual problems.

And when we do find what we perceive to be “perfection” quickly falls apart when our idealizations of one another give way to imperfection and we can’t handle it.

You know what a real relationship is?

Two entirely flawed people making it work.

You put in the effort you wish to receive from the relationship, and you make it work. Sometimes, especially in the beginning or the beginning of a necessary change, this effort is one-sided. If it’s meant to be… You’ll keep on trying.

Fate or destiny or whatever, may be what gives us the opportunity. But we need to take that opportunity and utilize it, fate won’t do the hard work for us. This isn’t sitcom, this isn’t movies. Things CAN “just happen” but then it’s up to you to keep it going, determine whether it is good for you, whether you are ready to put in that work or the time isn’t right, just keep on moving, or go for it. Relationships don’t come with instructions. The simple thing to remember is, all you can do is what’s best for you. And sometimes what’s best, is putting forth the work in order not to lose the best thing that ever happened to you. Because even though every moment may not be perfect, and in fact, as of late, most moments have been worse than the last, you still recognize its purpose in your life. It just opens another opportunity in healing.

If it feels entirely wrong, then walk away.

The fact that neither has, to me, says something big.

The bigger truth is, sometimes it just takes faith. Effort and faith. I like that. Then you’ll find things starting to get easier and flow more smoothly.

Don’t be afraid to look or sound like an idiot and just fucking say what you mean.

Nobody’s perfect. I sound like an idiot all the time.

Now I do it with complete honesty.


There, I’ve had my say.

Even I didn’t know this was so bottled up inside of me until I started writing this post. Dude.


Have a beautiful day,



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Love and Other Crazy Stuff

“Open up your mind and see like me, open up your plans and damn you’re free, look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love. Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing, we’re just one big family, and it’s our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved, loved. -Jason Mraz ‘I’m Yours’ “

Today I made a playlist of songs that make me smile. I couldn’t really say why, except I smiled once today and I wanted to try it again. So I made a list of songs to smile to, and found myself singing them all. I’m having difficulties continuing because my topic today is a tricky one. Love.

“I’m on the edge of glory, and I’m hanging on a moment of truth. I’m on the edge of glory, and I’m hanging on a moment with you. I’m on the edge with you. – Lady Gaga ‘Edge of Glory’ “

I wish love was as easy as it is in stories. Even stories I write. Usually my characters are in some kind of bitter sweet relationship, but once in awhile soulmates come together. Sometimes love is lost. Sometimes love is gained. Sometimes love is unexpected. It’s so much easier to read about or write about than it is to live it.

“So I sneak out to the garden to see you, we keep quiet ’cause we’re dead if he knew, so close your eyes, escape this town for a little while. Cause you were Romeo I was a scarlet letter and my daddy said stay away from Juliet, but you were everything to me I was begging you please don’t go- Taylor Swift ‘Love Story’ “

We all know love songs are (usually) bred from experience, bred from passion, bred from pain and loss and triumph and the hardships that are relationships and the lessons we learn from them. But even they make it seem easy. Four minutes of ‘Love Story’ singing at the top of my lungs makes me feel like a princess but when the song is over, I’m confused again.

“I can’t find, oh the right romantic line. See me once, and see the way I feel. Don’t discard me just because you think I mean you harm. But these cuts I have, they need love to help them heal.- Elton John ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’ “

It’s probably obvious to some that I am better with sex than I am that ridiculous ‘L’ word. And oh, I can’t blame past relationships, I can’t blame what I’ve been through before, because if I learned my lessons from those than I wouldn’t be continuously confused with every relationship I enter. I could blame that everybody tells me something different about relationships and gives me different advice, and many people want me to be in a relationship so badly they assume I am in a relationship with every person I meet. But that’s allowing others in my head where only I should be.

“Take me now, baby here as I am. Hold me close, try and understand. Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe. Love is a banquet from which we feed. Come on now try and understand. The way I feel when I’m in your hand. Take my hand come under cover, they can’t hurt you now, can’t hurt you now, can’t hurt you now. -Patti Smith ‘Because The Night’ “

And oh, I’ve had those relationships (haven’t we all?) The kind where you step back, a little more mature, a little wiser, a little worse-for-wear and ponder, “What the hell was I thinking??”

“I want your drama, the touch of your hand, I want your leather studded kiss in the sand. I want your love. Love love love I want your love. You know that I want you. You know that I need you. I want your bad romance. I want your lovin and I want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance-Lady Gaga ‘Bad Romance’ “

Because I’m a free bitch, baby.

But the continuance of these situations have me wondering… Is it circumstance, or is it me? I’m not great with affection at the best of times, but I’m working on it. I like to think I make it fairly clear when I really like somebody, or really love somebody, I make sure the people in my life know I care for them the best I can. But when it comes to relationships…

“They call me cowboy, I’m the singer in black, throw your middle finger in the air let me see where you’re-“

Oops, I forgot I’m playing love songs to write this blog. Not Kid Rock. Funny. Last year I rented a car, drove five hours (ok so I took the long route) to another city in another state, stayed the night at a very expensive cheap hotel, got lost the next morning looking for the testing center to take my NCBTMB for Massage Therapy Licensing (which was across the street from my hotel as it turns out) passed the fucking thing, then got in my car and drove home. Five hours of feeling so good I listened to “American Bad Ass” the entire time, and not just to stay awake. (Leave at 8am, errands until 11am [last minute shit I forgot to do beforehand], get to your destination at 4pm, find hotel and settle in by 6pm, drive around looking for testing center to no avail until 8pm, keyed up stay awake until 5am, get to testing center by 8am, start drive home by 10am, NOT SMART. I took a nap at a gas station LOL.)

“Just tell me how I got this far. Just tell my why you’re here and who you are. Cause every time I look you’re never there. And every time I sleep you’re always there. Cause you’re everywhere to me, when I close my eyes it’s you I see. And everything I know that makes me believe, I’m not alone. I’m not alone. – Michelle Branch ‘Everywhere’ “

It’s not that I’m not a passionate person. Indeed, the exact opposite. I feel passion for so many things it’s hard to express, and it’s even harder to express to another person. I’m also big on the something-looks-one-way-but-is-actually-another. In case you haven’t realized, these songs aren’t entirely about love. I don’t believe in the kind of love you find in fairy tales. I believe in the kind of love a person feels for another, the kind of love a person should feel for themselves- gratitude, thankful to be alive, passion and pure positivity, the willingness to forgive and live with one another’s flaws. Everything and everyone is flawed in their own beautiful ways because we’re all different. Love isn’t thinking you found the perfect person (and if you think that, fuck them [literally], you’ll find otherwise because that’s when shit gets real.) Love is accepting people AS THEY ARE.

Love is not pressure. Love is not negativity. Love is not trying to change each other. Love is not for pretends. Love is not settling or submitting or putting on your mask. I meet too many people who want me to wear a mask, because they can’t handle seeing in me what they don’t want to see in themselves.


I don’t fall for masks. I try my damndest not to pretend. I’m honest. Some people hate that (some people don’t.) Ok.

Don’t try to change me.

Don’t try to change my mind.

Love isn’t about being the one perfect person to whom your mate melts for and loses all boundaries and drops all borders and climbs all bounds and suddenly their walls crumble and they spill all their secrets then you get married and have tons of babies.

Not my kind of love. And don’t expect that of me.

“Mile upon mile got no direction, we’re all playing the same game. We’re all looking for redemption, just afraid to say the name. So caught up now in pretending, what we’re seeking is the truth. I’m just looking for a happy ending. All I’m looking for is you. -Pat Green ‘Wave On Wave’ “

Love is equality. Love is faith. Love is hope. Love is freedom to express yourself (or not) as desired. Love is beauty in its richest form. Love is respect. Don’t get me wrong, you can create a sacred bond with somebody, and love somebody, but I’m beginning to think ‘Love’ has nothing to do with ‘Relationships’.

“I’m sinking slowly, so hurry hold me, your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on. Please can you tell me, so I can finally see, where you go when you’re gone. If you want to, I can save you, I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares.- Michelle Branch ‘All You Wanted’ “

I’m not bad with love. I’m bad with relationships (history may suggest.) Or maybe I am just not attracting the kind of people who want relationships. Or maybe I’m attracting the type just like me, who don’t know how to be in a relationship. Maybe I’m attracting those still stinging from previous wounds, as I am. Battle weary and lonely.

And I know I am approaching this all wrong.

A lesson I have not yet learned.

What I have learned is that trying to take Love and build a relationship from it doesn’t always work the way you planned. And that makes me wary. I can build friendships, connections with people, I can and do adore people and feel emotion for them and bonds so strong I think we must have known one another up in the cosmos before coming to Earth.

Or maybe I just go from ‘Hey, want to get some coffee sometime?’ to ‘Oh baby that was great’ too quickly.

Maybe the trick is to find somebody you like and build a relationship that will some day turn into love.

Or maybe it’s true. I’m still hurting too much.

And I can’t expect others to understand. This is my burden. I must handle it my own way. My mistake is expecting others to help. This is my path to take, my lesson to learn, and I plan to do so.

“Have I doubt, when I’m alone? Love is a ring, the telephone. Love is an angel disguised as ‘lust’. Here in our bed until the morning comes. Come on now try and understand, the way I feel under your command.  Take my hand as the sun descends. They can’t touch you now, can’t touch you now, can’t touch you now.- Patti Smith ‘Because The Night’ “

Now, back to the songs that make me smile.

“I been spendin’ way too long checking my tongue in the mirror, and bending over backwards just to try and see it clearer, but my breath fogged up the glass, so I drew a new face and I laughed. I guess what I be singing is there ain’t no better reason, to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons, it’s what we aim to do, our name is our virtue. -Jason Mraz ‘I’m Yours’ “

Stacey Katheryn


“To survive, you must tell stories.”

-Umberto Eco


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Courage of a Dragon


If there is any creature I wish my courage could match, it would be a dragon (mythical-y speaking, of course.)

I’ve said it before, how I admire courage for all it’s worth, and it’s worth a lot.

But today, just now, I was analyzing just how MUCH courage it takes to live our daily lives. Even  the simplest decisions we make takes more courage than any of us realize we possess. So why not take it a step further?

If we can understand ourselves, and understand our potential- and more importantly, believe in our potential- we can stand on top of the world and be proud to call ourselves Humans.

It takes strength to stand above a petty argument and realize the truth behind it, that perhaps somebody is arguing because they feel insecure, unsafe, unloved.

It takes strength to get up in the mornings to face your bosses, or coworkers, or teachers, or somebody else who may not appreciate you, may treat you awfully, may not respect you as a human being.

It takes strength to go to bed knowing that you’ll just do the same the next day.

Deadlines and deals, early mornings and late nights, trying to push aside unhealthy habits and take up something healthier.

But most of all, it takes courage…

To fall in love.

Or, rather, to admit it when you have.

Legit or not, reciprocated or not- it takes courage to tell somebody how you feel.

I would venture to guess that most everyone knows the feeling. The butterflies in the tummy, the euphoric thoughts, doing and saying things you never in a million years thought you would. When their smile (or glance) can change your life.

And you’re terrified. Because what if they don’t reciprocate? What if they outright loathe you? (Rarely is this true). What if they’ve been sending you “go away” signals and you haven’t noticed?

For as much as you eagerly await their next text, you dread what it may say. The fragile moment in time where you are both feeling the same nervousness and don’t have the guts to take the next step and just say it. Say you like them, say you love them, say you care about them. That takes courage, trust me. Because no matter how hard you try, you cannot dictate the emotions of others (although how much more simple would life be if we could, huh?)

But I can promise you this. No matter what, it’s worth the risk to admit your feelings before it’s too late. Better to be rejected for the truth than accepted for a lie, and the truth is, if you’re rejected for the truth- that person didn’t deserve the truth to begin with.

And I’m not just talking about romantic relationships either. Anyone you love, tell them. Think of how wonderful it would feel if somebody said it to you? Say it to someone you love. The feeling you get when you’re told, or tell someone that you love them, is worth the thousand nerves it takes to say it. Just say it. You won’t regret it.

And THAT, my friends, is Dragon Courage.



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